Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)

IMDb: 7.2 An Asian-American office worker and his Indian stoner friend embark on a quest to satisfy their desire for White Castle burgers.
Stars: John Cho, Kal Penn, Ethan Embry

Harold and Kumar
Harold and Kume

Billy Boy! Get your ass ready.
It’s almost 5:00, and this bad boy needs to get his drink on.

– No, no, no. Give me that. – Don’t.
– I’m gonna burn it once and for all. – Stop that.

Dude, it’s been six months. It’s time to move on, okay?
Whatever. Even if I wanted to meet other women,

I wouldn’t even know what to do.
I’ve been out of the game for so long.

Dude, you come out with me tonight, I promise you will get laid.
Yeah, it sounds very tempting,

but Berenson needs me to update these financial models
for the meeting with the foreign investors.

So what? It’s Friday night.
The Germans are taking an early flight back.

The meeting got changed to tomorrow.
So? Why don’t you just get somebody else

to do your work for you?
Who?

Harold, I need you to update those models for me.
– Billy, aren’t you supposed to… – I know. Something just came up.

I have this meeting with these new clients tonight,
and I’m never gonna have time to get to those.

So that’s your responsibility now, big boy.
Make sure those are in by 9:00 sharp tomorrow.

With all the downsizing that’s been going on around here,
we wouldn’t want to have to tell Berenson you’ve been slacking, now would we?

Yeah.
Okay, no problem.

Hey.
You have a great weekend, okay, buddy?

I owe you one. Just one.
Thank you.
Wow! That was amazing. I cannot believe how easy that was.
Dude, how do you think I get all my shit done?

I’m telling you, those Asian guys love crunching numbers.
You probably just made his weekend.

Chick magnet
Chick magnet. Chick magnet

Chick magnet. Yeah
Fuck.

An excellent point, Mr. Patel.
You are one of the finest applicants I have ever interviewed.

Thank you.
It comes as no surprise. Your father is highly respected in his field.

As you probably heard from your old man,
he and I had some pretty wild times back in med school.

Really?
Yeah. We started our own basketball team…

the Hemoglobin Trotters.
Hemo-globin Trotters… get it?
A play on the name of the famous colored, Negro basketball squad…

black, African-American.
You know, people of colors.

Let’s end up with one final question, just as a formality.
What are some potential symptoms of pancreatitis?

Well, you would have epigastric tenderness,
diffuse abdominal tenderness…

I’m sorry. Can you hold on one second?
Kumar’s phone. Kumar speaking.
Hey, what’s up? It’s me. What are you doing?

Nothing important. I can talk. What’s going on?
Listen, I can’t party tonight, okay? I gotta stay late at the office.

Dude, fuck that shit. We had plans.
I know, but I got a lot of work to do.

When has getting high ever prevented you from doing your work?
Jesus!

Believe me. I would love to come home. Okay?
– I got a lot of work to do. – Thank you. I’ll do that.

I got a quarter of the finest herb in New York City.
I’m not smoking that shit alone, okay?

So you need to just chill the fuck out and prepare to get blazed
because in the next couple of hours,

I expect both of us to be blitzed out of our skulls, got it?
All right, I got it.

I’ll talk to you later. Where was I?
We’ve got the severe anal discharge, sometimes violent… a.k.a. Diarrhea.

Mr. Patel, I am more than familiar with diarrhea.
Do you actually believe after the way you’ve just behaved

that I would ever even consider recommending you for admission?
No. I’m gonna be honest with you.

The only reason I’m applying
is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment.

I really don’t have a desire to go to med school.
But you have perfect MCAT scores.

Yeah. Just ’cause you’re hung like a moose
doesn’t mean you gotta do porn.

Get out! Bernadette, show this young man to the door!
And please bring in some fresh diarrhe… dry towels!

Yes!
Right in front of the door.

This is America, dude! Learn how to drive!
Better “ruck” tomorrow!

– Extreme! – Fucking assholes.
Fuck.
Okay.
Be yourself. Don’t be nervous.
So, Maria, what’s been goin’ on?
I actually had a very long week at work. How about you?

Work was good. I caught up on some sleep.
Plus, the guy who works next to me decided to bathe for a change.

Really?
So what are you up to tonight?

Actually, I’m just gonna be sitting on my ass,
probably eat a whole pint of Haagen-Dazs

while I watch Blind Date.
Well, that sounds awful.

If you want some company,
maybe you can come over and sit on your ass at my place.

That sounds nice.
Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Kumar.
Yo.

Yo, Kumar.
Yo, I’m in here, dude.
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
I’m trimming my pubes.

Why aren’t you doing this in your room, man?
The mirror’s in here. Hey, check it out. It’s like a bonsai tree.

Hey!
Besides, man, it makes your johnson look totally bigger.

Please!
Are those my scissors? Dude, I trim my nose hair with those!
Dude, I’ve been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.

Get out! Get out of my room.
Kumar. It’s Daddy.
I hope your interview today was good.

I’m calling to remind you that you have another one tomorrow
with Dr. Wein from Cornell at 10 a.m. Do not be late.

– Hook it up, bi-yatch. – Let’s do it.
Fuck!
In tonight’s top story. A cheetah escaped earlier today
from the Morristown Zoo.

Oh, nice. Sixteen Candles is on, man.
And the award for the least heterosexual statement

ever made in this apartment goes to… Harold Lee.
Come on down, man. Take a bow.

Shut up, man. It’s a classic.
It’s a very beautiful story about someone

who feels unnoticed, unappreciated, unloved, you know?
– Turn it. – It’s a good one, though.

Homo.
Come on. Dude. Just take one hit.

Don’t you wanna be cool?
Hey. Man. What are you doin’?
I’m so high!

Nothing can hurt me.
No!
– Marijuana kills. – I love that shit.

We’re so high right now.
We’re not low.

Dude, I don’t know about you, but I’m fuckin’ hungry as balls.
No shit, dude. Let’s eat.

No, I don’t feel like delivery tonight.
– What about KFC? – We’ve been there too many times.

I want something we haven’t had in a while.
Something different, something that’ll really hit the spot.
I want the perfect food.
Are you hungry?

Then come to White Castle and try our Slyder Special…
Six burgers. Fries. And a soft drink for only $2.99.
Imagine all those burgers in your stomach right now.
Don’t you like food that’s tasty and delicious?
I do.

Then what are you waiting for?
Head over to White Castle. It’s what you crave.

You sure you know how to get there?
I haven’t been to White Castle in ages.

Dude, I’m telling you, there’s one right by that multiplex in New Brunswick.
Nice.

– Rosenberg! – Goldstein!
Yo, Manny and Shevitz, get up. We’re going to White Castle.
No, we’re watching The Gift on HBO.

No, no, no. No watching. We’re starving.
Hey, put that back.
No eating until we get to White Castle. Let’s roll.

Sorry, kids, we ain’t going nowhere.
Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.

Is that all you Jews ever think about… tits?
Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl.

And I’m gonna see her boobs.
The things I would eat out of her ass… you have no idea!

That is a completely vulgar statement.
So is “I want to bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor.”

But it’s true.
Touche.

Hey, listen, if…
I think Kumar’s a faygele.
They’re totally gay for each other.

– Hey, you wanna suck on this? – Uh-huh.
What the hell are you bringing your bag for?
Try to get some work done in the car.

– Here, you’re driving. – Shit, I forgot my cell phone.
You wanna run back and get it?

No, we’ve gone too far.
Hey, there’s your girlfriend.
You gonna talk to her this time,

or are you gonna be a Vagina McGinastein about it?
What the hell are you doing?
You could’ve asked her if she wanted to come to White Castle with us.

– Hold the elevator. Wait! – Hey, how are…
You’re worthless.
I’m not worthwhile.
Just fucking talk to her once. It won’t be weird anymore.

Look, it doesn’t matter.
The only girls who are interested in me are girls I have no interest in.

Like Cindy Kim.
Speaking of Cindy, she called earlier.

One of those Asian clubs she’s in is throwing a party at her dorm tonight.
God, she invites me to everything.

So what? She’s kind of fuckin’ cute. Let her touch your penis.
Oh, look.
It’s the Brothers McFag.

Let me guess… the one with the purse is the catcher.
Come on, guys, let’s get ourselves some fucking Mountain Dew.
Extreme!

Yeah, extreme assholes.
Why do I have to be the catcher?

Dude, forget about those pricks. Let’s just get some food.
I am so hungry. I’m gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.
Dude, fuckin’ I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.

Dude, give me 35 cents.
What’s going on? It didn’t register.
– What? – Give me 35 more cents.

– I don’t have any more change. – Should I just go through?
No, no, I don’t like breaking the law.

Yeah, I can see that.
Hey, move your ass!
– I’m sorry. Hold on. – I’m going through.

No, don’t. No. No. Hold on.
Let me walk to a manned tollbooth and I’ll tell them what happened.

– Sorry! – Move, you fuckin’ twat!
– What’s the fuckin’ holdup here? – Shit.

Move, you retarded cocksucker! Move!
– Are you crazy? – What?
What are you doing? Why you throwing the weed out?!
– The cops are gonna catch us. – No, they’re not. Not for that.

– Take this exit. – What?
– Take this exit! – No!

Dude!
You know, that was the last of our weed.

Sorry. I get a little paranoid sometimes.
Now we’re in Newark, of all places.

You know we’re gonna get shot.
Maybe it’s not as bad as they say. Maybe it’s just a bunch of hype.

Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.
– Holy shit! – Holy shit!
Let’s get the fuck outta here.
– Go! Go! Drive! Drive! – Yeah, that was your fault.
– Fuck you. – Fuck you.

Yo, check it out. We’re almost there.
Thank God. I’m starving.

– Hello, New Brunswick! – Prepare to gorge yourself.
You know… We need some tunage for this.

Presets. Use the presets.
Oh, come on, dude, your whole life is preset.

Try something new.
Where is this place? Isn’t it supposed to be right around here?
– Chill. We’ll find it. – Wait a second… is that the multiplex?

– Yes. – Sweet!
That means the White Castle should be right around the corner.

What the hell is going on, Kumar?
That does not look like a White Castle to me.

Uh-uh. Dude, we gotta check this out.
Hey, look here, fellas. You guys gonna have to order from the drive-thru menu.
What happened to the White Castle?

What?
There used to be a White Castle right here in this location.

Where is it?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, guys,

but Burger Shack, they bought this location about four years ago.
God!

Please tell me there’s another White Castle in town.
– No. – Are you sure?

Do I look like the kind of brother
that would be unsure about something like that?

Shit! What are we gonna do?
I don’t know, man. Should we just eat here?

Hey. Psst.
There’s a White Castle that’s open 24 hours up in Cherry Hill.
It’s about 45 minutes from here.

I can make the trip if you’re willing to.
Kumar, I got a shitload of work to finish.

You got that med school interview.
Forget about the med school interview. It’s a non-issue.

What do you mean it’s a non-issue?
Ding-dong! May I interject for a second?

As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years,
if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that if you’re craving White Castle,

the burgers here just don’t cut it.
In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers
with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions

that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals
every time you bite into one…

…just makes me want to burn this motherfucker down.
Come on, Pookie, let’s burn this motherfucker down!
Come on, Pookie! Let’s burn it, Pookie!

Let’s burn this motherfucker down!
Let’s burn it down! Let’s burn it!

So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.
You can always get your work done in the car.
– Let’s do it. – All right. Awesome.
Then listen, listen… no matter what, we are not ending this night

without White Castle in our stomachs.
– Agreed? – Agreed.

Wise choice.
You guys might have wanted to stay away

from our special sauce tonight.
Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient.

I’ll give you a hint.
It’s semen.
Semen.
Animal semen.

Dude, remember when Goldstein used to work at that burger place?
This is the most fucking confusing movie I’ve ever seen…
she’s possessed, she’s not possessed.

Dude, that rack better be stacked.
– Tits! Tits! – Boobies, boobies, boobies.

Holy shit! Whoa!
Those aren’t real. Yes, they are.

You know, I’m almost completely sober right now.
I wish we had some more weed.

Sorry.
Princeton.

– We’re getting off here. – Why?
Because we’re gonna sweet-talk Cindy Kim into finding us some weed.

– No. – Why not?
You talk to her on the phone all the time.

She calls me. Then she rambles on
about her East Asian Students Club or whatever.

Then I have to actually pretend that I give a shit
or else she calls me a Twinkie.

A what?
Twinkie… yellow on the outside, white on the inside.

Look, you Twinkie bitch,
you were the one that threw our weed out the window, okay?

So we’re going to Princeton,
and it’s your responsibility to make sure we’re high as shit

by the time we’re eating those burgers.
Forget it. End of discussion.

I am not seeing Cindy Kim.
Harold, I’m so glad you showed up.

Yeah, me too.
Did you like the hibiscus petals I glued to the envelope I sent you?

Yeah, they were nice.
Hey, dude, you know where I can get some green?
Dude, you know where I can get some chronic?
Jesus, what the hell kind of lvy League school is this?

Man.
Over here, man.

You lookin’ to toke up?
– Yes. – Yes?

Thank Christ. Just give me a dime of your finest sticky.
You wanna see sticky-icky, my friend?

Oh, my God!
Whoa, man!

Don’t touch, man. That’s not cool.
You can’t…

Jeez! This is my baby!
Yes?
Kenneth Park, class of 2004.

– Hi. – Hi.
Is it true you’re an analyst for Brewster Keegan?

Yes, I’m a junior analyst.
Awesome!

I told you, he’s good.
– Yes. – This is actually a two-part question.
I’m applying for a summer internship at Brewster Keegan.

I was wondering, a) what’s it like being an investment banker,
and b) would you write me a recommendation?

Here. That’s sixt… 80 bucks.
– 80 bucks? – Yeah, 80 bucks.

Yo, this is worth 40 tops, bro.
“Bro”? I’m not your bro, bro.

Okay, and that’s 80 bucks.
You don’t feel like getting high tonight?

If you don’t feel like getting high, that’s cool with me,
because there’s lots of people around here. See this guy?

Hey, loser.
Hey, what’s up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.

What kind of hippie are you?
What kind of hippie am I? Man, I’m a business hippie.

I understand the concept of supply and demand.
“What’s it like being an investment banker?”

To be honest with you, it’s actually pretty aw…
…awesome.
Excellent!

As for the recommendation, I guess I can make a couple calls.
Actually, Harold, we should be getting to the party.

We can discuss all this stuff on the way there.
– It’s just down the hall. – Okay.

I’m sorry. I can’t go. I have to wait for Kumar.
You’ll see him when we’re done.

Trust me, you’re gonna love this.
Kenny’s mom dropped off a big pot of kimchi jigae.

It’s really good. It’s delicious.
Yeah?

That’s nice.
– 80 bucks, okay? – Okay.
– Hello. – Are you guys about to smoke?

Yes, we’re gonna smoke. Do you wanna come back to my place?
Please, like they want to go listen to a bunch of Phish records

while you read your lame-ass poetry.
Girls, you guys wanna hang out,

maybe smoke a little weed and have some fun?
– All right. – All right.

My poetry’s not lame. It’s really good.
– Yeah, I’m sure. – It’s great.

We’re gonna eat before this gets cold.
What you say we meet back in our room in about 20 minutes?

We’re in room 109.
109. Got it. I’ll see you ladies later, huh?

Yes!
109. We’ll see you ladies later. Yes!

We’re getting laid, bro.
All right, I’ll see you there, man.
20… 20… 208?
208. Yes! 208!

Roldy, dude, you gotta come quick.
There’s these two filthy pussies just aching to get boned by us.

I mean, there are these two very lovely young pussies
who would like to have a chat with you and I.

Sorry. Harold’s coming with us.
That’s bullshit. He’s coming with me. Isn’t that right, Roldy?

– Let’s go to the party. – No, no, no. Fuck that.
Here. This is Harold’s understudy. You can do whatever you want.

Roldy, let’s go.
Sorry.
I can’t believe you were gonna ditch me for the Joy Luck Club.

You know what their parties are like.
What do you want me to say? I was under pressure.

Just say no. That’s all it takes. Here.
All right, take a hit of that.

What’s going on up there?
Barracuda to Sparrow, Barracuda to Sparrow.

We got two high-fliers on level three.
I just wanna talk!
Dude, in here, in here.
Women!

What if someone finds us in here?
Chill the fuck out. He’s not gonna look for us in the girls’ bathroom.

Shit! Come here.
It worked on me. There’s no reason it shouldn’t work on you.
But your breasts look beautiful.

I just want those cute little ping-pong breasts.
You know, that kind of go…

Hurry up because I want to go smoke weed
with that dishy Indian guy.

It’s gonna be a few minutes.
I’m about to have the worst case of taco shits.

Oh, God.
Great, I think I’ve got to go, too.
Hey, Clarissa, do you want to play battle shits?
– Oh, my God! – Battle shits?

We haven’t played that since back at camp.
I know, I know. Wait for it.

Hit.
Scag! You sank my destroyer!
Fuck!
I can’t take it anymore!
Christy, are you still there?
Damn! You sank my battle shit!
Shit.

Dude!
She said in 20-10?
Have you seen a Korean guy around here?

Yeah, only when I open my eyes, though.
‘Tard.
20-11.
Yo, this party’s bumpin’!
– Who wants some Buda? – Yeah!

Holy shit! Kenneth Park, class of 2004.
Dude, I’m thinking you really screwed up by not coming to this party.

I screwed up?
Can we have some pot brownies?

I don’t know. I’m running a little low.
A titty flash might persuade me.

– Should we? – I think you should.
Okay.

– Whoa. – Whoa.
Hey, you!

Shit!
Hey!

– Hey! – Let’s get ‘em! Halt!
– Hey. – Hey.

– Harold! Harold! – No, no, no.
– Hey, dude! – Come here!
Well, well, well.
– What do we have here? – Oh, no! That’s my baby!

Hold his throat and groin. Come on, rookie.
Should we go back for the weed?

Are you crazy? Run! Run!
I can’t believe it, man. We were this close to getting laid.
Oh, dude, you always exaggerate.

The diarrhea twins definitely would have had sex with us.
What about Cindy? She was looking kinda cute tonight, man.

Cindy’s fine. It’s just…
– Just what? – We…

Oh, you’d rather have Maria.
Look, it doesn’t matter.

I’m gonna end up with Cindy Kim whether I like it or not.
Can we just drop this and get our asses to White Castle, man?

Fine. Maria.
What are you doing?
Daddy needs to urinate.

Hurry up!
I’m serious. Don’t take all night.
All right.

– Excuse me, I have to… – Huh?
I have to ask you. Why are you peeing right here?

What?
I mean, why’d you pee right next to me

when you could choose that bush or…
This is a good bush to pee on.

Why are you peeing on it?
Well, no one was here when I chose this bush.

Oh.
So you get to pee on it and no one else does? Huh?

– No, I just… – This your bush?
You have a special bond with this bush?

– No, I just thought that… – You the king of the forest?
– I’m sorry? – What?

Are you a fuckin’ tree-hugger? Is this your special bush?!
Never mind. Forget it. I really don’t feel like getting stabbed tonight.

Nice pubes.
Thanks.
Do you even know where you’re going?
I’m gonna be honest, I’m a little lost, but, you know,

once we get back on the highway, we’ll be there soon, don’t worry.
We’d better.

Shit. Now it’s raining.
Put on your wipers.
What are you talking about? It’s just a little mist.

Yeah, mist, hence the mist setting.
It’s a safety issue, okay? There we go.

Thank you, Mr. Wizard. What crawled up your ass?
I’m completely on edge right now, man.

After all the shit that we’ve been through tonight,
I don’t know how much more I can take.

Oh, shit! How the fuck did that get in here?
Oh, shit!

He bit me! I’ve got rabies!
Oh, my God!
Dude, get that fuckin’ cancer raccoon away from me!

Open my window!
Fuck you, raccoon!

What the Christ?
– Shit! – Shit!
Jesus! You all right?
I don’t know.

Shit.
Shit, dude, he’s coming over here.
Probably some old blind bitch!
– What the fuck are you doing? – We’re sorry. We’re very sorry!

– Holy shit! – Goldstein?
Dude, it’s Rold and Kumar.

Shit. What’s going on, man?
– What’s up, dude? What’s up? – All right.

What the hell are you guys doing here?
We got the munchies, so we decided we’d go to Hot Dog Heaven.

How about you? How was White Castle?
We haven’t gotten there yet. I think I may have rabies.

Yo, dude, how were Katie Holmes’ tits?
– You know the Holocaust? – Yeah.

Picture the exact opposite of that.
Nice.

Boy, do you need a girl.
If you guys got the yellow fever,

there’s a rockin’ Asian party down at Princeton.
Dude, I got the yellow plague.

There’s nothing sexier than a hot Asian chick!
Asian tits… I wanna squeeze ‘em!

Stop. Don’t do that. Please, do not touch me.
I’m very woozy.

I think I have to go to the hospital.
You should go to Beth Israel.

– We gotta hit up this Asian joint. – No, we don’t.
We got to go to Hot Dog Heaven. No more detours along the way.

– This is what I’m dealing with. – Come on!
I’m telling you, hit up the Asian party.

Did you leave the key in the car with the engine running?
Good luck.

You don’t have rabies. We’re not going to a hospital. You’re fine.
Uh… Yeah, I don’t have rabies.
Great. Let’s just get out of here.

Hey, aren’t those the guys that got the shit kicked…
I know. I know. Let’s just go.

Just go.
Kumar.
– Hey, it’s your dad and brother. – Shit.
No wonder you didn’t want to go to the hospital.
– Hey, Dad. – Hi, Dr. Patel.

– What’s up? – Saikat. What’s going on?
I hope you are here to apologize for what you did in your interview today.

What the hell’s wrong with you, Kumar?
God! You’re 22 years old. When are you gonna grow up

and stop this post-college rebel bullshit?
– Like your life is so hard. – Eat my balls, Saikat.

I will not tolerate this business from you any longer.
You have one more interview tomorrow morning,

and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you were anything short of spectacular,
I’ll completely cut you off.

– Dad, come on. – Daddy is not coming on anything.
You will be there, and you will behave.
I have put too much time and energy into you

to let you go and fuck it all up!
You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry, guys.
Wow, I’m sorry.

Sorry. It won’t happen again, okay?
Good.
I will speak with you tomorrow.

– Bye, Harold. – Bye.
See ya.

Wow, man.
I guess you’re going to med school after all, eh?

Fuck that, dude. Like I care what my dad thinks.
I can’t wait to see the look on his face

when he finds out I didn’t go to my interview tomorrow.
If he wants to cut me off, fine. I don’t need his money.

I don’t understand. You just hugged him.
Yeah, I just needed to get my hands on this.

Access card.
Two words for you, bro… medical marijuana.

No.
Oh, this is stolen.
If we get caught, you are taking the blame.
This is not my idea.

We’re not gonna get caught, okay? We’re gonna go get baked
and then go eat just like we planned. Now, just calm down.

– We gotta find the pharmacy. – Dr. Patel!
Thank God I found you. We have an emergency.

Nurses, I need these two doctors scrubbed, gloved,
and ready for the O.R. Stat!

– What the hell is going on? – He probably thinks I’m my brother.
Just don’t worry about it. Leave the talking to me.

It’s a godforsaken bloodbath.
The patient was brought in by EMS five minutes ago.

As you can see, we have three horrific gunshot wounds.
It’s a good thing I found you two.

All the other surgeons are working on other patients.
No, there’s been a mistake.

What Dr. Lee is trying to say is that we need to sedate the patient…
…or he could go into cardiac arrest. – All right, I’ll get the anesthesiologist.

Hang on a second, nurse. What we should probably use is marijuana.
That’ll sufficiently sedate the patient for surgery.

Marijuana?
But why?
We don’t have time for questions.

We need marijuana now, as much of it as possible!
Like a big bag of it.

But, Doctor, we don’t have marijuana in this hospital.
Shit.

Oh, shit! This guy’s gonna die!
Doctor, you’ve got to do something or we’re gonna lose him!

I’m gonna do this the old-fashioned way.
Start the nitrous. Give me two large-bore I.V. S

and start a Ringers lactate push.
Dr. Roldy, hold this.

More gauze, please.
– Doctor, the patient is desatting. – Dude, he’s desatting! He’s desatting!

The patient has a collapsed lung. I need a 14-gauge angiocath stat.
– That was genius. – Thank you.
– Great job! – You guys did it.

No, it’s you.
– Sexy. – What’d you say?
Nothing.

Sweet-pea.
The patient appears to be stabilized.
– Good work, doctors, all around. – Great. One of you clean this up, please.

– Put the chest tube in. – Meow. You’re moist.
– I’m not sweating anymore. – You’re glistening.

Soft and chocolate lips…
– Could I get a little dab here? – Hush now, hush now.

Excuse me, sir. Do you happen to know
how to get to the White Castle in Cherry Hill from here?

Yeah. Take the 33 west and take the Turnpike south,
and there you are.

I’m telling you, man, that was amazing!
Even your dad would have been impressed, man.

Yeah, it wasn’t that bad.
This is perfect. We’re back on the road, we got directions, it stopped raining.

And guess what, man.
– I’m officially done with my work. – Oh, yeah? Nice!

I’m telling you, dude, things are finally starting to go our way.
Hey, dude, check it out… Sixteen Candles.
Isn’t that your favorite movie?

Wow, man, that’s awesome!
Yo, look who decided to go see it.
Holy shit.

See! You said you two had nothing in common,
but you both have the same lame taste in movies!

Shut up.
Hey, we should ask her if she wants to come to White Castle.

No. No, no. Forget about it. Just drive.
Dude, come on. It’s 1:00 in the morning.

We’re an hour away from home,
and who do we see but your dream girl standing across the street?

Just pretend you’re a nerdy Asian version of Tom Hanks
and she’s a hot Latina Meg Ryan with bigger tits.

The cars are going. Can we go? How about that?
– What are you doing? – Excuse me, Maria!

– What are you doing? – Maria! Excuse me for a second!
Come here!

No! What the hell are you doing?
Get your hand off the gas! Shit!

– I’m stuck! – Stop turning the wheel!
– I am stuck! – What do you mean you’re stuck?

Get unstuck!
– You asshole! – Wha… wha…?
We could have seriously injured ourselves, man!

Yo, don’t blame me, genius.
I’m not the one who decided to run us off the frickin’ road, all right?

Let’s just get back on the highway, okay?
Fine with me.

It’s not funny.
– Where’s my spare tire? – I don’t know.
Where the hell is my spare tire?
Oh, yeah!

Dude, remember that time we got really stoned
and started throwing shit off that bridge to see if it would float?

What bridge? I don’t remem… What are you talking about?
Oh, shit, that’s right. That was with Goldstein.

We borrowed your car that night. My bad.
Your bad? What the hell are we gonna do now?

– Hey! – Hey! Excuse me!
– Hello! Over here! – Excuse me!

You boys need some help?
Thanks for helping us out.
No problem at all.
I seen you two stranded out there alone in the dark,

and I said to myself…
“What would Jesus do?”

Goin’ down to Georgia
Gonna get myself baptized, gonna get myself baptized

In the bosom of the Lord
Have you boys accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
– Yes. – Yeah, he’s great. Cool guy.

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!
Name’s Randy, but everybody calls me Freakshow.

My name’s Kumar.
How are you, Kunie?

– This is Harold. – Hi, Jerald. How are you?
So where exactly are we going?
Don’t you worry about that none. We ain’t too far from my place.

Once we get there, I’ll have your ride fixed up in a jiffy.
Check out those boils on his neck.
You gotta look. One of them’s actually pulsating.

Shut up. He’s right next to me. He can hear you.
Now there’s some sort of puss.

– It’s disgusting! – Shut up.
Just one little boil. Just look at it.

See, isn’t that the most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen?
Do you think just because you’re whispering,

he can’t hear what you’re saying?
He’s two feet away from us. He can hear this entire conversation.

He can hear me talking right now.
Don’t worry about it. He can’t hear anything…

not with all that crust in his ear.
I heard everything you said.
It’s gonna take me a while to fix up your car there,
so if you boys like, you can go on inside,

get yourselves something to drink, wash up,
fuck my wife, watch TV… anything you want.

Mi casa es su casa.
Just don’t do anything the Good Lord wouldn’t do.

Thank you.
We’re gonna die. He’s going to kill us.
We’re gonna die.

Dude, am I deaf, or did he just say we get to fuck his wife?
He couldn’t have said that.

Who cares? You’ve seen Freakshow.
What do you think his wife is gonna look like?

Oh, hi, boys.
I’m Freakshow’s wife Liane.

Can I get you some pink lemonade?
Why don’t you just go have a seat in the living room?

I’ll be back in a jiffy.
Thanks.

– Hot. Hot! – Uh-huh.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, it’s official. We’ve entered the Twilight Zone.
– Dude, Liane is fucking hot. – She’s not ugly.

Here you go, boys.
– Thank you. – Thanks a lot.

Liane, how are things between you and Freakshow presently?
Oh! They’ve never been better. We love each other so much.

I was just wondering, how does a guy like Freakshow…
…end up with a girl like you?
Well, we met at choir practice about four years ago.

Freakshow was really shy back then, you know,
’cause of all his hideous boils on his face and neck.

Sure, sure.
But he had the most amazing voice,

like a baby canary.
The devil is everywhere
Hey, Randy, what, the devil, huh

The devil is everywhere
Hey, Randy, what

After Easter service one day, I told him how much I loved his solo
and he finally mustered up the courage to ask me out.

We’ve been in love ever since.
So, are you boys gonna fuck me now or what?

Rock, paper, scissors to see who goes first. Ready?
– Rock, paper… – Wait a second.

What about Freakshow?
What? You assume we don’t know how to have a good time?

I just…
Never mind. Rock, paper, scissors.
Sorry, but if you boys want me, you have to do me at the same time.

– Huh? – Come on, give me the double stuff.
I’m not sure we quite understand, Liane.

I want you both inside me simultaneously.
– One hole or two? – Whatever you want.

Sorry. No, thank you. No, thank you.
Dude, if it’s two holes, it might not be that bad.

– Shotgun anus. – Forget it!
I don’t want our balls rubbing against each other.

– What, are you kidding? – No way! Forget it.
How about blow jobs? Can we have blow jobs?

Well, okay.
Come here.
Okay. I’m going up there.

I wanna come, too.
– Think you could help me with this? – You need help?

Okay, yeah. It’s a little sticky there.
– You can do it. – Okay.

I can do it. I can do it.
Do you wanna play with them?
Play with them.

– Yeah, let’s do that. – Okay.
Let’s do that.

Well, boys, I fixed your tire.
Hi, honey.
What in the hell are you doing with my wife?

You said outside that we could have sex with her.
Shit! Shit!

– I most certainly did not. – Yeah, you did.
– I did not! – You did.

– Oh, no, I didn’t! – You did, you did.
– You sure? – You said it.
My mistake!
Freakshow.

Well, since we’re all here…
…how about a foursome?
Who wants the first reach-around?

Okay, let’s agree to never talk about what just happened.
Agreed.

That’s a very good idea.
Dude, I have no idea where we are.

What?
– Is that a hitchhiker? – What the hell?
– Should we pick him up? – And get chopped to bits? Are you crazy?

You know what? We’re lost. He may know how to get back on the highway.
Get back on the road. This is my car.

We are not picking up a hitchhiker, man.
Hey, guys, thanks for picking me up.

Excuse me, are you Neil Patrick Harris?
Yep.

– Oh, my God, what are you doing here? – Holy shit.
Dude, Doogie Howser M. D. Was, like, my favorite show growing up.

You were my idol.
That’s great. Could we get going? I’m bored as shit back here.

– Go, go. – Let’s go. This is a frickin’ boring spot.
So I gotta ask you, Neil,
did you ever get it on with Wanda off the set?

Dude, I humped every piece of ass ever on that show.
Even the chick who played the hot nurse?

No. I didn’t go all the way with her.
Neil, you wouldn’t happen to know
how to get on the highway from here, would you?

Dude, I don’t even know where the fuck I am right now.
I was at this party earlier tonight

and some guy hooked me up with this incredible X.
The next thing I know, I’m being thrown out of a moving car.

– I’ve been tripping balls ever since. – That’s crazy, dude.
We’ve been having a pretty crazy night, too.

We’ve just been driving around looking for White Castle,
but we keep getting sidetracked.

Yeah, dude, you fascinate me.
Forget White Castle. Let’s go get some pussy.

– Huh? – It’s a fuckin’ sausage-fest in here.
Let’s get us some poontang. Then we’ll go to White Castle.

No, Neil, you don’t understand.
We’ve been craving these burgers all night.

Yeah, I’ve been craving burgers, too… fur burgers.
Come on, dudes, let’s pick up some trim at a strip club.

The Doogie line always works on strippers.
Lap dance.

There’s a gas station. I’m gonna see if we can get directions.
We don’t need…

Hurry up, dudes, hurry up. I’m losing wood.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
– Chill. – We’ll be right back, Neil.

We’ll be back.
What’s the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?
I don’t know, but we can’t let him interfere with our quest.

– Oh, God. – Shit, these punks again.
Late-night Math League meeting, homos?

Extreme!
Let’s go.
No, no. Pies, pies… no.
Dude, what is that? Is that a pterodactyl?
I do not know what that is.

That was extreme, dude!
Excuse me, can you tell us how to get to the highway from here?

Dude, I got this.
Dude, who knew learning Hindi would actually pay off?
Guy says the highway is, like, a couple traffic lights from here.

We should be in Cherry Hill in ten minutes.
– Ready? One, two, three! – No. No.

– No. – Extreme kayaking!
No!

Extreme!
– No! – Man, that was so fuckin’ extreme!
On a scale of 1 to 10,
one being not so extreme and ten being extremely extreme,

I give this a 9.5!
– Check it out! – Extreme cheddar!
– Hey. – Extreme cashier!
Somebody should do something.
Yeah, you’re right.
Hey, asshole! Why don’t you leave that guy alone

and go jerk off to some snowboarding videos or something?
I didn’t mean you should do something about it.
What? You’re gonna take that?
What’s up with that? Huh?

You’re gonna take that?
– Yeah! – Yeah!
– Shit! – That’s right, bitch!

You just try fuckin’ with me one more time!
Just try it! Thank you, come again.

– Yeah! – Yeah!
Kumar, you okay?
Yeah, dude, I just hate those assholes.

You know what? Fuck it, I’m hungry. Let’s just get outta here.
Did Doogie Howser just steal my fucking car?
Yes. I think he did.
You! You had to pick up a hitchhiker! Why?!
Calm down.

Why did you leave the keys in the car?
Why? Because it would get stolen.

I figured that Neil Patrick Harris was a trustworthy guy.
Come on. How was I supposed to know he’d fuck us over?

This whole freaking night, this whole night, is your fault!
– Where are you going? – I’m going inside to call the police.
I don’t want to talk to you anymore.

– Yeah! – Yeah!
There’s a pay phone across the street

if you don’t wanna deal with those assholes.
After we talk to the cops, we’re still going to White Castle, right?
I’m not speaking to you.

When are they fucking going to develop button technology
that will understand urgency?!

– Dude, this is ridiculous. Just walk across. – It’ll change in a second.
There’s not a car in sight. Just go ahead.

Fine. You want me to cross? I will cross.
If it makes you happy, I will cross.

I’ll do it.
Shit!
– What… – Sorry.

Is there a problem, Officer Palumbo?
Is there a problem? You ever heard of jaywalking?

Yes, I have. I’m really sorry. Won’t happen again.
That’s great. I’m writing you up a ticket.

A ticket? Are you serious?
Who the fuck are you, shitwad?

Let me apologize for my friend here. I’m very sorry.
I’m really glad you’re here. We’ve had a rough night.

You know the show Doogie Howser M. D.?
Great show. God, I love that show. “Doogie.”

Neil Patrick Harris stole my car tonight.
Hey, NPH wouldn’t do that, all right?

Give me some I.D.
Excuse me, how can you give him a ticket for jaywalking?

It’s 2:30 in the morning. There’s not a car around here.
Kumar, shut up.

That’s not the kind of tone you want to use
on a cop who can bust your ass.

– Bust my ass? – Yeah, Koo-mar.
Bust your ass.

What kind of name is that anyhow? Koo-mar.
What is that, like, five O’s or two U’s?

No, it’s actually one U.
Yeah, bullshit.

Whatever happened to good old American names like Dave or Jim?
– Harold. – Harold.

– Are you kidd… – Now that’s a great name.
– Let me take care of this. – You should be proud of that name, son.

As you were, ladies.
– $220?! Are you crazy?! – Kumar, if you don’t stop…
No, I understand exactly what’s going on here.

Excuse me, officer, let me take a couple of guesses.
– I’m really sorry… – Get your hands down!

– Okay, alright. – No sudden moves. Back it up!
You were probably the big asshole in your high school, right?

Absolutely right.
Used to pick on guys like us every day, right?

With pleasure.
Then graduation day came, and we went to college,

and you went nowhere, and you thought,
“Hey, how can I still give them shit?

I know, I’ll become a cop.”
Well, congratu-fuckin’-lations. Your dream has come true.

Now, why don’t you just take this quiet little Asian guy
with the Anglicized name that treats you so well

and give him a couple of other tickets?
– Better yet, just take him to jail. – Better idea.

Why don’t you just arrest him? Does that work out for you okay, Harold?
– “Great American name, Harold.” – Let’s go, Harold.

Thanks to your buddy, we’re going downtow…
Oh, shit.
Well, thank you so much for being understanding about Bradley.
I promise you he won’t ever do it again.

I’m sure he won’t.
Right, Brad?
Yes, sir, Officer Palumbo, sir.

– Mommy, can we go home? – Get in the car, Bradley Thomas.
Bye, Brad.

Are you gonna do something about my car?
First our top story.
The search for the escaped cheetah continues tonight.

It was last spotted in Randolph County. South of…
– So what are you in here for? – For being black.
Seriously.
I am serious. You wanna know what happened?
I was walking out of a Barnes & Noble,
and a cop stops me.

Evidently a black guy robbed a store in Newark.
I told him, “I haven’t even been to Newark in months.”

So, he starts beating me with his gun…
…telling me to stop resisting arrest. – Holy shit! What’d you do?

I kept saying, “I understand I’m under arrest.
Now please stop beating me.”

I don’t understand how you can be so calm about all this.
Look at me. I’m fat, black, can’t dance,

and I have two gay fathers.
People have been messing with me my whole life.
I learned a long time ago that there’s no sense getting all riled up

every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time.
In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should.
Plus I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.
Hey, hey, listen up, guys!
Multiple gunshots fired in Millbrook Park.

Finally, some action. I’m goin’!
– No, I’m goin’! – Lock and load!

That was strange.
What the hell was that?
Rold. Is that you?

– Kumar? – Are the cops still here?
What the hell are you doing?

I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.
– Jesus Christ, what’d you do that for? – I’m fucking starving.

I figured I’d bust you out and we’d go get some burgers.
Forget it. I’m not getting into any more trouble.

I’m already in here because of you.
Hey, fuck you!

What did you want me to do, stand there and take the hit?
You know I’ve never taken a swing at you, ever.

Well, I never got your car stolen.
– Fine. I’m leaving. – Fine.

– Harold, how do I get out of here? – How the hell should I know?
Shit! Oh, God, this isn’t good.

My ass!
Sure you don’t want to get out of here?
And become a fugitive? Are you nuts?

– The guy has all my information. – So what?
We’ll just take what he wrote down about you and leave.

Unless you want to stay here all night
and not be able to turn in your work tomorrow.

Fine, hurry up.
Yes! All right, we gotta find keys.

Oh, yes!
Sweet! I was hoping it would be one of these big ring of keys.

– Kumar, hurry the fuck up. – All right, yeah.
– Yes! – Dude!
– Hey, what’s that smell? – What smell?
Kumar.
If we still have time. We might still get by
Every time I think about it I wanna cry

With bombs and the devil. And the kids keep comin’
No way to breathe easy. No time to be young

But I tell myself that I’m doin’ all right
There’s nothin’ left to do at night

But go crazy on you
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy. Crazy on you

Crazy on you
Bitch! Learn how to fuckin’ make coffee, you fuckin’ whore!

Let me go crazy. Crazy on you
I love you.

No, no, no.
No, baby, come on.
Hey, Kumar. Kumar! Where are you…
Kumar! Still in jail, asshole!

Come here!
Kumar! The cops…
You thought you’d get away with it, huh?

I was in bed. I didn’t fire any gun. I swear.
Hey, Jackson’s trying to escape!
What are you talking about? I’m just sitting here.

He’s trying to break free! Get him!
– Aw, shit. – Don’t move!

Stop resisting! We need backup now!
– He’s got a gun. – That’s not a gun, that’s a book.

– Secure the book! – Book is secure.
You bring this filth in here? What is this shit?

Wait, wait. We gotta do something about this.
We’re gonna teach you how to read now, brother.

If I were you, I’d leave as soon as possible.
– Whose hand is that? – Thanks, man.

Jesus Christ. Thanks for getting me out, man.
No problem. The burgers wouldn’t taste as good if you weren’t there.

Hey, look at this.
It’s like we went from being completely poor to being millionaires.

– What was that? – Probably just a coyote.
Aren’t people supposed to be scared of coyotes?

That’s just ’cause they sound scary, man.
In one-on-one combat, either of us could take down a coyote, no problem.

What?
Now, cheetahs are another story.
– We’re gonna die. – No, now hold on.
Cheetahs are used to eating gazelles and shit.

They’re not known for eating humans.
That is a corpse. We’re gonna die.
Shit! That’s not a good sign.

Maybe if we just stay really, really still, he’ll just go away.
Okay.

Just stay really still. Don’t move, okay?
Just stay right there. Very good. Good job.

This isn’t working.
He’s mauling me! He’s mauling me!
Dude, I told you not to bring the beef jerky.
He likes me.
Hey, Rold, I have an idea.
– You gotta be kidding me, man. – Uh-uh.
This is either a really smart move
or by far the stupidest thing that we have ever tried.

Well, we’re about to find out.
Mush!
I told you this was…
Oy vey!
Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working?
– Both! – This is awesome!

We’re gonna be at White Castle in no time!
That was close, huh, Roldy?
Harold. I need you, Harold.
I need you, Harold.
Come here.
– Come here, Harold. – Maria.

– Come, Harold. – I’m coming, baby!
I want you to hold me. Papi. I need you.
Baby, I’m a-comin’!

Not so fast.
Watch out, watch out

Come on!
Bullets… my only weakness. How did you know?
Maria

Harold.
Maria.

Maria
Maria. Maria
Watch out, watch out
Watch out, watch out
What the hell are you doing? God!
You’ve been out cold for the past half-hour.

I figured maybe if I did some gay shit you’d wake up.
If we did some gay shit? Where are we?

Didn’t we come here on a cheetah? Where’s the cheetah?
It ran away. Listen, forget about the cheetah, okay?

I have some bad news and some worse news.
Give me the worse news first.

I looked at some of the road signs up there,
and it looks like the cheetah took us in the wrong direction.

– Shit! – Yeah.
– Shit! – Yeah.

All right, what’s the bad news?
Your laptop’s completely destroyed.

What?
Why didn’t… Why didn’t you tell me…

How is that not the worse news?
The laptop situation really only affects you,

whereas the White Castle situation affects both of us equally.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
All my work was saved on this computer.

Now I gotta go back to the office and redo it.
Exactly. First we’ll go to White Castle…

Forget about White Castle. There is no time.
Car.
Hello. Over here!
Shit.
Whoa.
Yeah. Um…
All right, we’ll get a pay phone,
get a cab back to your office, all right?

Come on. You all right?
– Hey, check this out! – Yeah, nice!
Hey, Apu!
Jesus. These guys are frickin’ everywhere.

Who’s looking after the Kwik-E-Mart while you’re gone?
You two going to share a curry Slurpee?

Fucking assholes.
Dude, check it out. It’s Rosenberg and Goldstein.
I want that.
What, a Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?

No. I want that feeling.
The feeling that comes over a man

when he gets exactly what he desires.
I need that feeling.

Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
– We gotta go to White Castle. – Yes, yes!

I knew you had it in you, dude.
Yo, is that Cindy Kim?
Oh, dude, you should’ve boned her when you had the chance, man.
Check it out.

Why don’t you guys just leave us alone?
What are you gonna do about it, Mr. Miyagi?

That’s extreme, man!
There’s no sense getting all riled up
every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time.

The universe tends to unfold as it should.
Nothing.
– Fucking extreme! – I’m so sick of their bullshit.
Don’t worry. The universe tends to unfold as it should.
What is that, some fortune cookie?

Hey, I got a plan. Follow my lead, okay?
– Your lead? – Yeah.

Okay.
Whoa, what are you doing? Oh, shit!

Those pricks!
– This is your plan? – It’s working, isn’t it?

Come on, come on! Get ‘em, guys!
– Jerk-offs! – My truck!

Thank you, come again.
Dude, that was so not extreme.
I know, Extreme Sport Punk Number One.

I know.
Let’s find us some tunes, baby.

“Cole’s Extreme Mix, Volume 5″? What is this shit?
And I need you now tonight
Those guys are fuckin’ posers.

And if you’ll only hold me tight
Baby. Baby. The stars are shining foryou

And just like me. I’m sure that they adore you
Baby. Baby

Go walking through the forest
Things’ll go your way

Hold on for one more day
I know that there is pain

But you hold on for one more day
And you break free from the chains

Yeah. I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day

And you break free right from the chains
Someday somebody’s gonna make you wanna turn around
– And say good-bye – Say good-bye

Until then, baby
Are you gonna let ‘em hold you down and make you cry?

Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way

If you hold on for one more day
Hold on

Bingo.
Yeah, dude! Cherry Hill, man. We’re almost there.

I told you, man!
I found ‘em, and I’m gonna need backup.

– Oh, shit. – Shit.
Fudge, dude. Are you kidding me?

– What the hell are you doing? – I’m not going back to jail, man.
We’ve come too far. Now buckle up. Buckle up!

We got a chase on our hands.
– Ready? – Yeah. For what?
Oh, shit!

– Where the fuck you takin’ us? – Just hold on.
What the…
It’s a good thing I have an empty stomach or else I’d puke right now.
We’re gonna make it.
Everything’s gonna be all ri…
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit. Holy shit.
– Put her in reverse. Hurry! – Shit!

Let’s go out the back. I’ll go first.
– Don’t shake the car! – Well, hurry up!

Hey, Roldy, check it out.
Shit, shit! We’re trapped, man!
Whoa. Not necessarily.
No.
No, not a chance. I’d rather turn myself in than die.

No, dude, I know exactly how to do that.
I used to do it with my dad all the time when I was a kid.

Forget it! I’m not risking my life over a bunch of hamburgers, man.
So you think this is just about the burgers, huh?

Let me tell you, it’s about far more than that.
Our parents came to this country,
escaping persecution, poverty, and hunger.

Hunger, Harold.
They were very, very hungry.

They wanted to live in a land that treated them as equals,
a land filled with hamburger stands.

And not just one type of hamburger, okay?
Hundreds of types with different sizes, toppings, and condiments.

That land was America.
America, Harold! America!
Now, this is about achieving what our parents set out for.
This is about the pursuit of happiness.

This night… is about the American dream.
Dude, we can stay here, get arrested,
and end our hopes of ever going to White Castle.

Or we can take that hang glider and make our leap towards freedom.
I leave the decision up to you.

I hate you, Kumar.
Tilt forward.
– Roldy. – What?

– Don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be fine. – All right.
– Good job, Rold. Keep running. – Thank you.
Hey, Roldy, there’s something I forgot to tell you.

– I’ve never hang-glided before. – What?!
Jump!

Oh, my God!
– Dude, it’s working! – Oh, my God!

Yeah!
Good news.
I just found enough dope in the car

to put these skateboard punks in jail for the next couple of years.
– Dude, we’re so high right now. – We’re not low.
All right, I’m bringing her in. Right, left, left.
Perfect!

– Shit! – Shit!
God!
I’m gonna kill you!

Look!
We made it, dude.
Looks like you guys had some night, huh?
I want 30 Slyders, 5 French fries, and 4 large Cherry Cokes.

I want the same, except make mine Diet Cokes, Chuck.
Wow. Well, that comes to $46.75.

– Dude, where’s my money? – You don’t have money?
– Dude, are you kidding me? – No.

I gave mine to that asshole at Princeton.
Fuck! Fuck that hippie fuck! No! Dude, this isn’t happening!

We didn’t make it here, and now we’re broke!
No, no, no, no!

Guys, let me pay for it. It’s the least I can do.
The hell are you doing here?

You guys kept talking about White Castle last night so much,
it made me start to crave it, too.

– Dude, where’s my car? – Where’s his car, dude?
Yeah, sorry about that. I told you last night I was tripping balls.

I don’t know what came over me.
Your car’s in the parking lot. Here are your keys.

Do you realize what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?
Yeah. It was a dick move on my part.

That’s why I’m paying for your meal. Prick.
Thanks, I guess.

Here’s 50 bucks for the burgers and 200 for the car.
What happened to my car?
I made some love stains in the back seat.

You’ll see.
Anyway, nice meeting you guys. I’ll catch you later.
Where are you going?
Wherever God takes me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let’s do this together.

Damn, that hit the spot.
– That was the best meal of my life. – Mine, too.

You know what, dude?
I think I may actually go to my interview today.

Are you serious?
You know, my whole life I’ve just been scared

of being one of those nerdy Indian guys turned doctor,
but tonight got me thinking.

There are far worse things in this world than being tapped
for having a natural ability in medicine.

Chick magnet. Chick magnet
Plus, how cool was that, saving that dude’s life last night?

It was somewhere between that, getting yelled at by my dad,
and seeing Neil Patrick Harris

that I realized that I’ve always wanted to be a doctor
but I’ve just been too scared to admit it to myself.

– Billy, you paying for this? – Yeah, I’ll be there…
Good, ’cause if he wasn’t, you would.

Are you listening to me, Roldy? I’m having a major epiphany here.
I’ll be right back.

You’re unlike any other woman I’ve ever met.
What the fuck is going on here?

Harold? What happened to you, man?
Never mind me. What the fuck are you doing here?

I thought you and J.D. Were busy all night with clients.
Isn’t that why I had to do your work?

– Henry, what the hell’s going on? – Back off, cock boy.
What I said to him goes double for you.

– Did you just call me cock boy? – Yeah, you know I did.
You’re just stalling

because you’re not quick enough to think of a comeback.
You think I’m not quick enough. Guy thinks I’m not quick enough.

Well, I’ve got news for you. I am quick enough…
…cock boy!
Listen, Harold, I’m really sorry.
Don’t bother with him. We’ll take it up with Berenson tomorrow.

What are you gonna tell Berenson?
That I’m your workhorse?

That you guys think you can party all weekend,
leave the work to the quiet Asian guy in the office?

– No, you don’t understand. – No, you don’t understand.
I’m not doing your work for you anymore.

And if either one of you douche bags
ever tries to pull this shit again,

I’ll go to Berenson myself.
I’ll tell him what’s really going on.

And I’ll tell the whole office
how you both caught gonorrhea from that prostitute in Atlantic City.

If you’ll excuse me, boys, I gotta get going. Kumar.
See you boys at the office on Monday.
Excuse me.

Dude, that was awesome! Where the hell did that come from?
I don’t know.

Eating those delicious burgers made me feel like a new man.
You know what?

Now I’m actually looking forward to going to work this week.
No shit. You know, you might be worthwhile after all.

I’m not worthless.
Hey, so those dudes really have gonorrhea?

Beats me.
Hey.
– Let’s get going. – What’s the rush, dude?
I don’t have my interview for a couple of hours.

I got some unfinished business to take care of.
I thought those guys were gonna do the work.

No, unfinished business.
– Maria. – Still not following you.

Get in!
So you don’t even have a plan.
Dude, I got love on my side, man.

Trust me.
When I see Maria, I’m gonna know exactly what to say.

– Hey. – Hey.
It looks like you guys have had some night.

Shit. You know what? I left my lighter in your car.
Do me a favor and run down and get it for me, please?

I gotta urinate.
You sure got a lot of baggage.
Maria, wait.
I know this is gonna seem completely out of the blue,

and I know you don’t know me very well… or, um, at all.
But let me tell you the best part of my day is.

I come home from work and I walk through this lobby,
and on days that I’m lucky enough,

I spend ten seconds in this elevator with you.
I had the craziest night of my life tonight,

and I guess I learned that if you want something or someone,
you have to go for it.

And if Liane can marry a guy like Freakshow
and I can hang-glide and I can ride a cheetah,

then I guess…
Oh, fuck it.
Girl, I’m spendin’ my dimes

Give me a minute. This is crazy.
– That was… l’m sorry. – I don’t even know you.

I had White Castle, so I’m a little dizzy.
– We don’t ever speak. – We don’t talk, so that was inappropriate.

Oh, fuck it.
I wanna get next to you

I wanna get next to you
Okay.
Now you just have to work on your timing.
– Where are you going? – Amsterdam.

I’ll be back in ten days. But I’ll see you when I get back?
Yeah, let’s do that.

Bye, Harold.
Bye. Bye. I’ll see you later.
– She touch your penis? – What?
What happened?

Nothing much, really. Just a little kiss action.
Nice. Nice!

Yeah. She’s going to Amsterdam. She’ll be back in ten days.
We gotta go.

– Where? – Amsterdam, man.
– We gotta get our bags packed… – Amsterdam?

…and frickin’ take the next flight out.
Are you freaking out of your mind? What about your interview?

Dude, whatever. I’ll tell my dad to reschedule it.
He won’t have a problem as long as I take it seriously for a change.

We gotta freakin’ go to Europe and find Maria.
Dude, she’s coming back in ten days.

It’s not like I’m never gonna see her again.
Listen, for a hot chick,

ten days in Europe can be the kiss of death, okay?
She’s gonna have all these suave, sophisticated guys all over her.

When she gets back, she may not be available.
Forget it. I’ll see her when she comes back.

Hey, Roldy.
You do realize what’s legal in Amsterdam, don’t you?
Oh, yeah.
In today’s headlines, Rutgers professor Tarik Jackson
and attorney Nathaniel Banks are suing the state of New Jersey

for racial discrimination and police brutality.
My family and I are outraged

and will settle for nothing less than justice.
I still trust and love all white people, all of them.

And Asians. And Asians.
And a few Mexicans as well.

Several of the officers suspected of brutality
were taken into custody earlier this morning.

Run away, you mother…
No black mother… gonna get away with this, so… all y’all.

You can suck my…
Police in Cherry Hill, New Jersey,

have just arrested a gang of hooligans
who are suspected of terrorizing numerous strip malls

and convenience stores.
Officer Thurmond Brucks found their abandoned car,

which contained a large bag of marijuana.
And in other news, the Muckleburg Police Department

are still looking for a fugitive
who escaped from the police station last night

with a companion believed to be his accomplice.
Police have released sketches of the two fugitives

which they believe to be extremely accurate.
Nice!

















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