That Awkward Moment (2014)

IMDb: 6.8 Three best friends find themselves where we’ve all been – at that confusing moment in every dating relationship when you have to decide “So…where is this going?”
Stars: Zac Efron, Michael B. Jordan, Miles Teller

JASON: It’s 2:18 in the morning in the middle of February.
I’ve been sitting on a park bench for almost four hours.
I’m fucking freezing.
Why am I sitting here?
Why am I still sitting on this bench?

You know, it’s probably best if I rewind.
If I back up and explain.

Every relationship arrives at a critical moment,
a juncture,
between moving forward and moving on.

I call that moment the “so.”
So…

Where is this going, then?
I think you’re a… Like… I think you’re amazing.

I think you’re an amazing girl. I…
I think you’re an amazing person. No.
I’m breaking up with you.

Ihaveto. You’re breaking up?
I’m sorry, Jason, I need somebody who’s ready.

I need somebody who doesn’t drink coffee out of a cereal bowl.
What?

And has a bed frame.
JASON: I wasn’t confused because she was
breaking up with me.

I’m so late for work.
I was confused because I had no idea we were dating.
I’m not even close to the guy you need.
The guy you deserve.

Like… I’m…
And I’m so sorry that I can’t be that guy.
In her defense, we’d been having sex, like,

once a week for six weeks.
I’m so late for work.
But in my defense, that’s a hookup
approaching the seeing stage.

I’m sorry, Jason.
No. I understand.
I understand.
And what I understood was, at that moment,

we were definitely not dating.
(PHONE RINGING)
DANIEL: Dude, did you get my message?
Man, I left, like, 10 minutes ago…

(CAR HORNS HONKING)
Come on, man. You’re late. Look, what have you been doing?

What have I been doing?
Christy just broke up with me.

Oh, man. Who’s Christy?
Vera, you home?
(DOOR CLOSES)
Oh. I didn’t know we had company.
You’re home early.
Yeah, I skipped the gym.

Oh, uh, this is my lawyer.
Oh, your lawyer.

Actually, he’s a very good lawyer.
Is everything okay?

So your wife said that she was having intense sex?
Yes, intense.

I can’t believe she said, “intense.”
That’s what she said. With a guy named Harold.

And while she said this, her lawyer was just sitting there?
He looked like Morris Chestnut.

Who the fuck is Morris Chestnut?
From Boyz n the Hood.

Ricky? Yeah.
Dude, I love Ricky.

Not anymore.
Who the fuck looks like Morris Chestnut?

Yeah. That’s not a strong look. Her lawyer.
Her lawyer looks like Morris Chestnut.

Okay, and he was just sitting there on the couch?
Yeah, why was he just sitting there on the couch?

‘Cause she wants a divorce.
That’s… Fuck, man.
Are you kidding me? I’m sorry.

And here’s the kicker, her lawyer,
the guy sitting there,

the guy that looks like Morris Chestnut,
is the guy she’s having sex with.

Harold? Harold!
Fuck Harold. Oh!

Oh, man.
Did… Did he say anything?

(MUMBLES) He said he liked my shoes.
What? He said what?

He said he liked my shoes.
Well…
He’s not wrong. They’re cool shoes.

What the fuck, man? I don’t deserve this.
I don’t know what we’re going to do, man.

We need to get him a hooker.
We can’t afford a hooker.

Yeah, we can use a coupon. Get him a cheap hooker. It’s Mikey.
No, we’re not. Look. “East Village girls for hire.”

No. Right there.
No. Yeah.

DANIEL: According to this article,
most of the bars on the East Side are filled with hookers.

You know what I love about you
is that you literally believe every single thing that you read.

No, I don’t. Yes, you do.
No, I don’t. Yes, you do.

It’s like you’re nine years old.
Ooh, no, no, no. They’re like young, cool hookers.

They dress like hipsters and shit.
And I’m telling you that I highly doubt

that that is the case.
Then why would it be in a magazine?

I don’t know.
Read it.

“She dresses like any other pretty young thing,
“knee-high boots strewn about the floor,

“and a drawer filled to the hilt with condoms
“seemed the only indication of her sideline occupation.”

How awesome is that?
Hey guys. It’s Fred.

Hey, Fred.
You know it’s not a phone. Right?
You’re actually here, Fred.
We can see you.

FRED: Totally.
Oh!
So you’re due to present on the Silverman book.

So…
You guys are prepared? Right?
We’ll be in there.

That’s a blank board.
That’s a gold mine.
I mean, we gave you stacks of examples.
JASON: You mean these. Right?

What you’re seeing there is exactly
what you’re gonna see everywhere else.

And we can deliver that.
But when we’re talking about The Unexpectable Princess…

Which is a great title.
It’s a wonderful, wonderful title.

But still, it’s drowning
in a sea of boring pastel. Uh-huh.

That’s not what you want.
And that’s not what you need.

I think I know what you need.
I think he does.

JASON: A book’s cover should hint at the story.
But not give away too much.

This is about wish fulfillment.
Black and white. Cool and spare.
Now, a recent study using MRIs
showed that women’s brains lit up like fireworks

when they were showed pictures of…
A penis.

What?
No. No.
MALE EXECUTIVE: No. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

No. No.
No.

JASON: Women’s brains lit up like fireworks
when they were showed pictures of

shoes. Shoes.
Shoes.
And nothing says wish fulfillment like Christian Louboutin.

Ask any girl in the room.
I love it.
Dude, are you taking a shit in there?
Absolutely not.

Every time you come over, you take a shit in there.
DANIEL: I’m not taking a shit. I’m using self-tanner.

Self-tanner?
Yeah. I told that assistant at Vogue

I couldn’t hang out ’cause I was in Toulon.
Trying to phase her out of my roster.

Also, lam taking a shit.
JASON: Every time.

Every time.
You did the retrieve? Huh?
I just grabbed whatever I could.

(TOILET FLUSHING)
DANIEL: Yo, Mikey! Were you taking a shit in there?

Yep. Jesus! Every time.
DANIEL: We’re going the fuck out. Is that ice cream?

You bought ice cream, Mikey? Come on.
Yeah. It’s peanut butter chocolate.

That’s a great flavor. Let me see it.
Hey. We’re going out. No ice cream. No. No.

You see, whiskey doesn’t mix well with ice cream.
Ineedit DANIEL: Oh, you need it?

Yes. You need it? What’re you, a fat teenage girl?
What’re you, Bridget Jones? Really?

Name calling? Is that what we’re doing? Yeah.
Give me the ice cream. No.

Give me the ice cream. I know that look. Get away from me.
Give me the ice cream. Back up, little man.

Give me the ice cream. Get off, man.
Nobody gets ice cream!

That was awesome.
Did you throw it out the window?

We’re going out.
I mean, I bet you thought you were never going feel this again, man.
The excitement. The energy. You don’t get this in relationships.

I’ve been out of the game so long
I forgot how much I miss this.

You were never in the game. You were a married doctor.
Ah, whatever. Hey, do you guys want a mint?

Yeah.
Here we go. That’s for you.

That’s for you.
That’s a weird mint, dude.

Yeah, I know. It’s Viagra.
You’ve got four hours to drink like Keith Richards and still get hard.

Every good action movie has a ticking clock. Right?
Fucking idiots.
Idiots.
(DOWN ON LIFE PLAYING)

I know!
I’m fucking drunk right now.
Yeah, that’s right.

I can’t wait to get drunk.
I can’t do this. I can’t do this.

Hey, come here. Yes, you can.
Yes, you can. You just need to be like,

“Hey! I’m a good-looking doctor.”
No, it would work for me, Mikey.

Would it? Yeah, it would.
That would totally work for me.

Hey! Chels!
Oh, my God! I love yourshoes! I’ve been looking for those.

Oh, thank you!
Wow! You are beautiful.

Oh, this is my friend, Daniel. He’s amazing.
But he’s a virgin.

Oh, there’s always a catch. CHELSEA: Mmm-hmm.
I’m just trying to get laid before I graduate high school.

Hi, I’m Sophie.
I know you are.

♪ I could use a break
♪ Me need to go down, down, down, down on life

♪ I need you to take all my shadows
Whiskey… Yeah.

I love you. We’re doing it… I love you, too.
♪ I could use a break

♪ Me need to go down, down, down, down on life
I’ve never met that guy before.
♪ All my shadows for a walk tonight… 4“
What’s up, buddy? How’s it going?

Well,
I’m drinking alone in a bar full of assholes.

And all these girls, they seem to like the assholes more.
Dude, do you remember when for, like, two years in college,

every single girl that I liked liked you?
Rebecca Daniels…

Yeah. Rebecca Daniels.
She was hot. She was.

She was all right.
Where’s the Mikey that got her?

Because that guy was fucking awesome.
(MORNING SUN PLAYING)

That girl’s staring at you at the end of the bar.
Should I look? No, not yet.
Now. No.

Now. No.
Now. No.

Yeah, go ahead and look.
Night away?
Yeah. She was fucking Harold.
There’s always a Harold.

There’s always a Harold.
Mmm. Mmm.

When I was a kid, I used to open all the windows in my bedroom
when it was freezing, and just lay on top of the covers.

Why?
I wanted to understand what it felt like to be homeless.

Do you understand that feeling?
Just needing to know?
Wow.
I know.

He fucking looked like Morris Chestnut.
(LAUGHS) Who looks like Morris Chestnut?

It is not a good look. Nobody should look like Morris Chestnut.
Okay, who is Morris Chestnut?

Apparently, he’s a great lawyer.
Well, I wrote my number on this.
Use it when you’re ready.

Look, is this the part where we go home?
‘Cause I’m not really in the mood.

You’re sitting on my coat.
Hmm.
I am.
I’m sorry about that.
It’s okay. Thanks. Mmm-hmm.

Good night. Good night.
Hey.
I’m gonna get a drink. You want a drink?

Oh, no. I’m good. Let me get you a drink.
What, a vodka soda? No,no,no.

My man. No.
Come on. It’s just a drink.

Oh, no. I’m good. Thank you.
I need a drink, too. I’ll get you a drink.

Honestly, what if I enjoy the drink?
What happens then? (LAUGHS)

I’d love to hear what you think happens then.
I’ll tell you what happens.
We go play beer pong with your two roommates

until I end up back at yours in Murray Hill?
Yeah, that’s right. How did you know that?

And then we’ll have to listen to your roommate have sex with Hilary
or Emily or whatever the girl’s name is until we fall asleep.

And then a year later, we’re still playing beer pong
in the same bars with your friends.

Except now you feel pressure to get married and have kids
’cause you think that’s what I want.

Then in the summers, drive up
to the Hamptons to meet his parents,

wondering the whole ride if they’re going to think you’re pretty enough.
Smart. Wondering the whole ride,

if they’re going to think you’re smart enough.
Because no one is. And then we have to drink shitty chardonnay.

At a shitty garden party.
And have shitty conversations.

About shitty people.
With his shitty mother.

Who, let’s face it, doesn’t think you’re smart enough.
Pretty.

Who, let’s face it, doesn’t think you’re pretty enough.
Because no one is.

No one ever will be.
What was all that shit? Look, I’m just talking about a drink.
Yeah, but it wasn’t just a drink, though, was it?

It was a marriage proposal.
Oh, marriage. No, I was…

Just a vodka soda.
Fuck you guys. I’m…
Drink? Yeah.
(HEARTBEAT PLAYING) (BOTH MOANING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You’re amazing.
Let’s get out of here.

(LAUGHING)
You like that? (BREATHING HEAVILY)
You’re sitting on my coat. (GROANS)
l have to use your bathroom.
(EXHALES)
(GASPS SOFTLY)
Fuck. Pick up.
Pick up. Pick up your phone!

Dude, I have a serious problem.
DANIEL: You got a problem. I got a problem. I gotta take a leak right now.

And my boner looks like that thing on The Price ls Right.
(WHISPERING) Bob Barker?

Yeah, my dick looks like Bob Barker.
No, you asshole, that thing that stops the wheel.

What? I think I took too much Viagra.
I just really got to take a leak.

You have to just get horizontal.
Get horizontal? What the…

You need to be horizontal.
Me or the boner? Both.

I can’t. My boner is perpendicular to my body.
Just try it, man.

This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard of. What the…
This isn’t… Whoa! (URINATING)

Wait, bro, it’s actually working.
Of course it is, but, dude, listen to me.

I think the girl that I just had sex with is a hooker.
What? That’s awesome.

No! It’s not awesome, man. What if she makes me pay?
I don’t have hooker money.

You definitely don’t have hooker money. Dude.
I don’t know what to do, man. You gotta help me.

Okay, well, you know what? If she asks for cash,
you could pretend that you’re a hooker, too,

and maybe the rates would balance out.
You are so fucking useless. Do you know that?

Is your dick touching the water?
Fuck you.
MIKEY: Which one of you divas uses self-tanner?
I do.Why?
Because I beat off with it last night.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

Why… Why didn’t you even read the bottle?
I was a little drunk.

What? What?
My shit is orange. JASON: Oh!

Oh, my God.Look at this!
Oh, no.

Who knew that could even happen to you?
(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)

I didn’t know you could change colors.
Stop. Your dick looks like a yam.

Your dick looks like a traffic cone. Just stop.
Your dick looks like a can of cheddar Pringles.

That’s fucked up.
JASON: You dick looks like Spike Lee at a Knicks game.

If your dick was jumping over the river, it would be the General Lee.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

All right! All right! What happened to you two idiots last night?
I freaked out and left. I didn’t know what to do.

It’s her bread and butter. It’s how she keeps the lights on.
You basically robbed a hooker.

I didn’t rob her.
Yes, you did. You robbed this hooker, man.

You’re like the opposite of Robin Hood.
I didn’t rob her. And that’s the thing. I mean,

everything else about her was perfect.
I mean, she was smart. She was funny.

She was the kind of girl I would date.
If she didn’t, you know, happen to fuck random guys for money.

ALL: Yeah. That’s really the only thing
that’s getting in the way of that relationship.

Fuck you guys.
Did you friend that girl yet, Mikey? The glasses girl?

No. I mean, can you even do that that fast?
Dude! You’ve gotta make her laugh. Get a rapport going.

Yeah, man. Give me your phone real quick.
Give him your phone. We live in an extremely efficient world.

Somebody else could be sealing the deal right now.
Listen, (CHUCKLES) last night was amazing. Okay? I had a great time.

You guys were awesome. Thank you.
All right? But I’m gonna call Vera.

We’ve got things that we need to work on.
No. That’s a bad move. Come on.

You don’t wanna do that. Horrible move.
We had so much fun last night. Yeah.

Wow.
JASON: What?

Uh,she“.
She changed it.
BOTH; What?

What are you talking about?
Uh, Vera.
It used to say, “married,” and now it says…

It says nothing.
All right, I married a smart girl.
I married the right girl. Right?

I went to med school right after college.
I did what I was supposed to do.

I checked the boxes.
JASON: But maybe what you did didn’t check hers.
MIKEY: We had the same boxes.

DANIEL: Did you have the same boxes?
Maybe you need a little more experience with boxes.

Yeah, maybe we should lead you down the path to better boxes.
Look, guys. I don’t need that. All right?

I need to call Vera and I need to work this shit out.
That’s what I’m going to do. I need to call her, okay?

I need to call Vera. I need to work this shit out.
It kills me to see you like this.

Yeah.
Hey.
It’s an opportunity to have some fun.

Man, this is about all of us, man.
This is about all of us being together.

When are we all gonna be unattached?
In our 30s we’re gonna settle down with kids.

We’re gonna live a boring life. It’s about us right now.
I don’t know.
We’re staying single with you, man. I just don’t know.

We’re staying single with you.
We’re gonna keep last night alive as long as humanly possible.
Nobody gets in a relationship.

Nobody changes their status.
Right?
I’m in.
I’m in.

Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!

Michael? Are you in?
Fuck it. I’m in.
(ALL CHEERING)
So, we going for this? Yeah.
I mean, it’s a pretty bleak ending to a book,
so shouldn’t we leave people with some hope?

From where in the Midwest did this one wash up?
Fresh off her master’s from Chicago.

Master’s in what? Sentimentality?
I don’t think so.

I just think you have to believe in possibility.
Oh, sweetie. Welcome to New York.

You’re young and you’re pretty and the world is yours.
But you’re nobody’s first wife yet.
Well, we’re all pretty…
Oh! Oh, look who’s here. Hi.

FRED: Glad you could make it.
Yeah.

DANIEL: I gotta tell you I’m really excited about this cover, guys.
JASON: (YAWNS) Hey.

Here you go. Okay.
(SIGHS) Hey-

Holy shit.
Everyone. How’s it going?
FRED: Good, good.

Uh…
So, do you want to tell us a little bit
about your approach with this cover?

Yeah. I’d love a little explanation.
Um…
It… (STAMMERING)
It is what it is.

AMANDA: “It is what it is”?
That’s what you say when you get a parking ticket.

I know.
It looks to me like the guy here wants to escape.

Hmm. Does he?
AMANDA: And we want him to stay. That’s the fantasy of men in the city.
It seems like she’ll bring him home in the bag,

totally trusting him and then after they sleep together,
he’ll prove to be too much of an asshole

to actually stick around for a couple of hours.
So tell me, Jason. Why wouldn’t the guy stay?
Hmm?
I thought you were a hooker.

What?
A hooker.

Why?
There were hooker signs.

What’s a hooker sign?
You had on hooker boots. Lots of people have them.

There were tons of condoms.
Did you ever think they might be there

because I’m not having a ton of sex?
No! I thought they were a hooker sign!

What’s a hooker sign?
What about The Story of O?

That was research for a book.
There were envelopes full of cash.

I pay my landlord in cash so that he can commit tax fraud.
How long have you lived in New York?

Man, not long enough.
Yeah.

Wait. Can I make it up to you?
Let me make it up to you.
You wanna make it up to me?
Can I?
I don’t know.
You can have my number.
And…
Maybe you can.
Yeah, dude. Everybody knows you can’t call a girl a hooker.
Even hookers hate being called hookers.

I’m gonna bring Ellie around.
No, you’re not! No, you’re not.

I’m gonna get her on the roster.
Wait. A roster?

Yeah. A roster.
It’s a group of girls that you’re hooking up with

that keeps you from sending the wrong message.
Which is what? That you wanna date one of them.

You gotta start building a roster.
Yeah. It’ll help ease the transition a little.

No, no. I do not need a roster. Okay?
Yes, you do.

I can’t keep one girl.
What makes you think I can handle a bunch of them?

You just keep a bunch of them for a short period of time
and then you send them out into the world to flourish.

Like college kids. Yes.
Or like capitalism.

And then you replenish the team.
Think of a roster like a spiritual and physical…

Mostly physical.
…rejuvenation of the male soul.

Which you guys clearly don’t fucking have.
Think of it like a spa.

A spa for your cock.
A cock spa. Yep.

You just got to use whatever skills
that you have available to you. Mmm.

Girls love personalization.
You guys are idiots.

You’re an idiot.
(DOOR OPENS)
Vera!

Look, I’m… I’m sorry to barge in on you.
What are you doing here?

Okay, look.
I know that this is an awkward thing to do, but…
Um…
I have been having some pain.
And, um, I just…
I don’t know.
You came because you needed my help.
I came to apologize. I did.

You came because you needed my help. Mikey.
I just… I’ve been thinking about you.
It really was just a simple misunderstanding.
Yeah, it was like, “What kind of girl would I be

“if I didn’t eventually find it funny?”
You’d be probably every other girl in the world. I think.

I’m really sorry.
But I’m not every other girl in the world.
No.

I guess you’re not.
And then I kind of developed my own style, I guess.

And now you…
Design book covers.

Amongst other things.
Well, I guess you get people to believe in something enough

to want to buy it.
I get people to believe in the surface.

To do the one thing your parents told you not to do.
To judge a book by its cover.

Exactly.
Oh, we weren’t supposed to do that.
You weren’t supposed to do that.

See? I was encouraged.
Another example of just plain awful parenting.

But, like, the job that you have right now,
like, is it something that you actually want to be doing?

You know what? It can be fun.
But do I love it?

You don’t. No.
Don’t you want to love something?

What? Do you love what you do?
I started this new lecture series.

And authors can come along and they can talk about their work.
That’s awesome. Yes. So great.

And people come? No.
No? No. (LAUGHS)

But I…
It’s okay. I mean, I figure that if I keep doing It,

it could be a really, really amazing thing.
(LAUGHING)

You should come along to one of them if you’re around.
Oh, I don’t know.

I can’t really tell if it’s important to you.
(LAUGHING)

I’m sorry. That’s a weird laugh.
ELLIE: This is my favorite place in the city.
JASON: Yeah. It’s beautiful.
(LAUGHS) I know that I’m romanticizing the idea,
but come on.
That’s kind of my dream. To have the key to Gramercy Park.
New York’s charm is you’re surrounded by things you can’t have.
New York’s charm is it makes you think you can have them.
You know, I’d love to look inside before we buy.
Me, too.
In the meantime, we can go back to my place.

It’s very similar, actually.
Except for everything about it.

I gotta get home.
Okay. Yours, it is.

You’re one hell of a negotiator.
This kind of stuff just rolls off your tongue doesn’t it?

I’m just trying to make you laugh.
I don’t like how well it’s working.
(SIGHS) Fuck…
CHELSEA: Wait, so you guys still haven’t gotten Mikey laid?
No. What’s wrong with you?

You’re like the worst wingman ever.
Are you kidding me, Chelsea? I’m an incredible wingman.

I know, but, like, nothing?
It’s just harder than you think with him.

Like, what about a blowjob?
I’m good right now, but thank you.

Uh-huh. Maybe in, like, 10 minutes?
Maybe after this beer?

Sorry, I’m just making a mental list
of all the things I’d like to do before giving you a blowjob.

Wow. Really?
Oh! Kill myself is number one.

Are you serious? Jesus. What’s number two?
Uh… Just, like, awaiting trial in Guantanamo.

Mmm-hmm? Yup. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
Oh, come on, man. The blues? Are you fucking serious?

What the fuck does Captain Attractive have to be so sad about?
I don’t know.

I think he’s going for brooding and dark, mysterious.
It’s kind of working for me.

That is working? Yes.
You cannot be that attractive and have a skill. That’s bullshit.

Well, I’m gonna play, so you’re wrong.
Ooh, then somebody’s in trouble.

Cheer up, asshole. You’re the guy.
Buckle up.
Hey, excuse me? I just wanted to tell you great job.

I almost cried right there.
It was really some powerful stuff.

Yeah. It was brooding, dark, and mysterious, apparently.
Yeah. Thanks.That’s what I was going for.

Told you.
This is my friend, Chelsea.

She’s not much to look at, but wait till you hear her play the piano.
Really good.

I can’t wait. I’m Diego.
I know you are.
I warn you, though. She can be really aggressive sometimes.

(LAUGHS) Is that right?
But you can tame her with tequila and compliments.

Yeah. So…
Super aggressive. Oh, yeah?

Hey, are you home?
MIKEY: No. I’m at the hospital. Where are you?

I’m headed back.
All right. So?

How was it?
It was amazing, man. She was amazing.

So is she coming back to the house or what?
Not exactly.
(PLAYING AFTER YOU’VE GONE)
♪ Now listen, honey, while I say
♪ How can you fix your mind to say you’re going away?
♪ Don’t say that we must part
♪ Don’t break my aching heart
♪ You know you love me…
Hey.
After midnight? Really?

I couldn’t sleep. Hmm.
It’s good to see you.
♪ How can you leave me?
♪ Listen while I say (SIGHS)
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
♪ After you’ve gone
♪ After you’ve gone away S’
(LAUGHING)
So what happened with you and the piano man? Rodrigo?
Diego? Diego.

I don’t know.
I don’t want to date a guy that’s prettier than me. You know?

Yeah. Me neither.
Plus, he works out.

I don’t want a man that works out.
Yeah. I worked out once. 2004.

Got on the 15 dumbbells.
I was like, “Those are way too light, let me go to the 30s.”

Nice. And if you feel it…
Don’t. I don’t wanna touch it.

And then I hit the hammies.
Some quads. And if you feel that.

You definitely got the lingo down.
Do you see that? No.

Ah, well… Fat.
That’s what happens when you work out

Once. (LAUGHS)
What are you doing here anyway?
What do you mean? I don’t know.

Weren’t you supposed to hang out with that girl from Trinity?
Oh, yeah. I had to tell her I wasn’t looking for anything too serious.

Oh. ‘Cause if it ever stopped being fun for you
guys, you’d want to just call it off?

That’s… Yeah. I know.
You got it down.

Brother. I know the spiel. Brother.
Yeah.

I don’t know. I just thought you liked her.
I did like her.

She was cool, really smart, funny, well-read.
Great family. Love it

And gave the best blowjob in recorded history.
I feel like every blowjob you get,

you think is the best in recorded history…
Well, if you look at the common variable

across all encounters, you’ll find that it’s me.
So maybe I’m the best in recorded history at receiving blowjobs.

Barn. Barn.
Think about that. Don’t want to.

Cheers to me getting awesome blowjobs and just being good at it.
You’re such an idiot. Oh!

Oh.
(BOTH PANTING)
So? Jason, where is this going?
(QUIETLY) Fuck.
Um…

Look, I think you’re an amazing girl.
And if I was in a different place, maybe,
but, I mean, you know that I’m not

really looking for anything serious.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. As soon as this stops being fun for one of us.

Hey, J-Go! How’d it go with that hooker?
Oh!

Did you just call me a hooker?
No, I meant the other… Um…

Yeah. I just said the wrong thing just now.
You think?

Yes.
Hey, Mikey? (CLEARS THROAT)
Mikey? Mmm?
Can you shut the door? Oh, shit.

Okay. I’d like to apologize.
Don’t worry about it.

Caffeine?
No, thanks. I gotta run.
But at least he offers.

I offer.
You’ve never offered.

For the record. I’m sorry for anything I said.
Am saying. And might say in the future.

An apology. So sweet.
I like him better than you. For the record.

For the record, he is better than me.
Ha! This is true.

Bye.
So you went outwith… Ellie.
Then you came home and had sex with…

Alana.
Jesus!

I did that for you. You did it for me?
Yeah. You had sex with a beautiful woman for me?

Yeah. For you.
Thank you. Thank you.

If I need anything else, I’ll be sure to let you know.
I’m just building my roster, man.

Roster? Yeah, my roster.
Ellie’s on the way in.

Alana just gave me the “so.”
The “so”?

Yeah, the “so.”
When it comes to girls, nothing good ever follows the word “so.”

“So,” where is this going?
“So,” what’re we doing?

And you just got the “so”?
Yeah, I just got the “so.”

So that’s when you get out.
Always?

Always.
You’re a fucking idiot.
JASON: So Chelsea worked her magic again?
Yeah, yeah. In a sense, yeah. Really?

So, is she, like, hot. She smart, cool?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, all of the above.

Wow, really?
Yeah. I’m not gonna date her.

She’s not datable if that’s what you’re getting at, okay?
So let’s just calm down.

What about you? Did you see what’s-her-name?
Ellie? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. We, like, went to the park. We hung out.
Went to the park, hung out?

You liked this girl when you thought she was a hooker.
(LAUGHS)

Are you falling in love? No, man.
I think you are. I can hear it in your voice.

I had sex with Alana.
You had sex with both of them? No.

You fucking double gophered?
I didn’t. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

You double gophered? I love that.
You had sex with both of them. That’s awesome.

No, I didn’t. Ellie went home. Alana came over.
That’s what I love about you.

Like, you never push too hard.
You always have a backup. Yeah.

You’re like Judge Reinhold in Beverly Hills Cop.
I’m not getting in a relationship.

Except you’re an asshole. (LAUGHS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello. This is Ellie.
JASON: Hey.

It’s Jason.
All right, we’re going on a date tomorrow.

Gramercy Park. Dress nicely.
No questions.

You in?
Yeah.
Vera, we have to talk.

JASON: Mikey, did you call the glasses girl, yet?
Can you come see me tonight? It’s important.

Dude. Tell us how the call went.
Nope. I’m not pissing. Okay.

Come on in. First of all,
your dick looks like it found Nemo. Stop.

Second of all, are you gonna see glasses girl?
She gonna come see me tonight.

First of all, I think your click looks like a snowman’s nose.
Can you stop? Second of all,

Mmm-hmm. l thought you worked tonight?
She might come by the hospital. No.

Mikey, I love your thinking on this, man.
The work-date combination.

It’s very impressive. Yeah.
I’m just thinking on my toes.

JASON: He knows shit, man.
It’s casual. lt’s innovative.

Mmm. I love your work, man.
I love that jacket. Where are you going tonight?

I have a pretty big night ahead of me.
I’m playing the incredibly wealthy Mr. Von Ferrington.

That’s so awesome!
You’re role playing. You’re committing.

Exactly. What are you doing?
I’m going to meet up with Chelsea

and see what we can make happen.
Again?

Why is she always hooking you up with girls?
Have you looked in the mirror? Have you looked at me?

I’m the most attractive. So it’s the easiest.
Come on. Yeah! That’s why.

Guys, in high school, I was voted most likely to have the best eyes.
MIKEY: That’s just not true. So…

Yeah, right.
You idiot.
MRS. ROSE: Do you know that James Harper lived here?
JASON: Really? He used to be the mayor of New York.

You’ve really chosen a wonderful property to look at Mr. Von…
Ferrington. Ferrington.

Von Ferrington. Von Ferrington.
I mean, this is one of the finest properties in the city.

Thank you. You’re welcome.
Look at the parquet floors that are all inlaid and original.
And this.

Let me show you this.
Unfettered access to the private park
is, of course, one of the finest things about living on Gramercy.

Unfettered?
Unfettered.

And now further, I’d like you to take a look at this wrought iron.
Lattice wrought iron which is the original.

Original?
And we have in here a beautiful,

beautiful, beautiful chandelier,
which is cut crystal.

You’ll notice all of the detail on the ceiling.
Now the Obasan rug is original of the period.

And we have over there a stained glass window.
Let’s go. Why?
Look at the detail on this poster here.
Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! I’ll explain later.

Oh, here, the kitchen.
Quick! The old woman’s coming!

Hello?
Won’t we get caught?
I don’t think so. Let’s go.

Hello?
Mr. Ferrington?

Hello?
Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Slow down. Just walk normal.
What do you mean walk…

You’re walking like a criminal. What? This is how I walk.
I’m not a criminal.

But I am.
We have to go. Let’s go!
Hello?

Hello?
Okay. You said we need to talk.
Nobody says, “We need to talk,”

unless it’s really bad news, right?
No,no,no.

And my grandmother had ovarian cancer.
No,no,no. You’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine!

The tests they ran indicated nothing out of the ordinary.
I have all the symptoms. Baby, you’re fine.

You’re fine. You’re okay.
Come here. What was that message then?

Come here. No, no. Come here.
Okay. I am sorry. I just wanted to talk.

Oh, my God. You are such an idiot.
You are such an idiot.
Yes.

Just… Just… Just come sit down. Okay?
(SIGHS)

Oh, God.
Breathe. Breathe.
Oh, God, I thought I was dying.

(LAUGHS)
Yeah. You thought you were dying.
That was me.

(EXHALES)
Where did we go wrong?
Like, what happened?
What happened to us?

What happened? I…
I mean, we got married at 23 years old,
I just don’t think at that point you are ready for a life

without excitement or spontaneity.
Spontaneity?

I mean, I’m spontaneous.
We didn’t have sex for almost six months.
You want spontaneous?
Hey. Hi.
Are you sick or something? No.

Those aren’t going out clothes.
Well, who’s going out?

I thought we were going out.
BOTH: Oh!
That was pretty badass. Mmm-hmm.
I can get fired for that shit.

You know, when I was a kid, I used to love going to parks.
And my grandfather used to take me every Sunday.

But my ex hated parks.
He thought they were like too public or something.

He sounds like a real dick.
What? My ex?

Your grandfather.
(LAUGHING)

So what happened between the two of you?
Well, I graduated from school and I moved to New York.
And he took a job in Chicago.

And it was sort of like a focus-on-your-work-life-first sort of thing.
They call us the selfish generation.
What about you?
Who’s the one that got you?
How dare you assume that I have
any emotional capacity whatsoever?

Get out of my park. No.
Get out. No.

It’s okay. You can come back.
Damn it!
I was so not gonna do that.

I was gonna hold out.
I was gonna make you wait, like, 40 days or something.

I was gonna make you wait, too,
but then I realized, “I’m a dude.”

(LAUGHING)
Hey, guys. It’s Fred.
Jesus! Fred, you’re like Reverse Elvis, you know.
Fred, you entered the building.

I love Elvis.
“Thank you, very much.”
What’s up, Fred?
Well, Ellie from Simon just sent over the Matterhorn book cover.

And she wants us to do it?
Specifically.

Specifically?
Specifically. DANIEL: Whoo!

I’ll get in on that.
Right.
Come on.
Thanks, Fred. Yeah.
All right.

Gonna do it!
Wait, okay, so let me get this straight.
You have sex with this girl. We get a job out of it?

Certainly seems that way.
And to think this whole time, we thought that poor girl was a hooker.

Well, yeah.
But in reality, the only prostitute here is you.

(CHUCKLES)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(SIGHS)
ELLIE: No one came again.
Again? Why don’t you get better authors?

Oh, you know, I never even thought of that. (JASON LAUGHS)
Yes, I’ve tried that. I’ve been trying.

Well, come by my place after for a drink.
I’ll come by after.

I don’t understand why you won’t tell me. Just tell me where you did it.
I’m not telling you, so stop asking.

Why? You know you’re gonna tell me. You tell me everything.
I do. But I’m not telling you this right now.

Why? ‘Cause I’m whupping your ass.
You get all precious with this stuff and you throw down,

and slap me in the mouth.
Whenever you start losing, you just get upset.

Dude, did you just take another shit in there?
No, I’m not. Every time.

Why do you care so much about what I’m doing in there?
I wasn’t taking a shit.

You’re so disgusting. Dude.
Why do you guys care so much what I do in the bathroom?

And I wasn’t taking a shit.
MIKEY: Every time. Yes, you…

Have a little faith. What are you guys talking about?
Mikey won’t tell me where he had sex last night.

Oh, Mikey, where did you have sex last night?
Why do you care so much about where I had sex?

‘Cause we’re your friends. We wanna know.
Where’d you have sex, Mikey?

The hospital.
JASON: (GASPS) With the glasses girl? Are you serious?

Oh, my God! You Grey’s Anatomy motherfucker!
Mikey, that is awesome.

Dude, your wife never would’ve had sex in the hospital.
She’s too uptight. Not in a million years.

I’m fucking proud of you. Really am proud of you.
(DOORBELL BUZZING) Whoa! What is that?

I don’t know.
MIKEY: You order food?

I mean, we’re all here.
I didn’t order food. Did you order food? No.

ELLIE ON INTERCOM: Hey.
So. It’s Ellie.
What the fuck? Are you serious, dude?
Jason, this is a den of testosterone, man.

This is a pre-game. This is my apartment.
That’s a good point.

It’s not a good point. First of all, guys, I just took a shit in there.
I knew it. It’s every time.

Why don’t you take a shit at your own apartment?
You can’t invite a girl to a place like this.

I didn’t invite her. DANIEL: You didn’t invite her?
No. That’s worse.

That’s some girlfriend shit.
Some I-have-a-girlfriend shit.

Okay, well, I’m gonna buzz her in.
Don’t buzz her. Don’t buzz her in.

I’m gonna buzz her in. Jason, don’t buzz her in.
Don’t buzz… Don’t buzz her in, man.

We’re having such good guy time right now.
Oh, shit.

I just buzzed her in.
He fucking buzzed her in. Okay.

He buzzed her in.
Really? JASON: Okay.

Both you guys need to calm down.
We’re not supposed to see them more than twice in one week, all right?

And you’re seeing this chick twice in one day.
Dude. Relax.

DANIEL: Invite her up then, man!
She’s not gonna wanna talk about Xbox.

So, I’m gonna be sitting here being like,
“I have to fart but maybe I can’t right now.”

She better have some hot friends. Dude, you’re pissing me off.
Open the door. I don’t care. I’m getting wasted.

Hey.l hope I’m not interrupting.
Hi.

No. You’re not interrupting. You’re not interrupting anything.
So this is this is Daniel. This is Mikey. We went to college together.

Guys, Ellie.
Daniel is a manipulative idiot.

And Mikey has an orange dick.
Hi.

Really, dude?
That’s really good to know.

I brought scotch. I don’t know if you guys drink scotch.
She brought scotch?

You should try it. Hmm!
Let’s try it.
What are you guys playing?

A little XboX.
Can I play?

(SIGHS)
Yeah.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Apparently, her ex-boyfriend played a lot of Halo.
You know what? It’s late. I gotta go. I gotta go to West Side.
No, you’re not. We’re not letting you. No. We’re not letting you go.

I promise you we get funnier.
But tonight is Mikey’s night. You know, I can feel it.

MIKEY: I pray to God it is.
That’s what I was telling you, too, baby.

I forgot to tell you, it’s my birthday coming up soon.
(GASPS) Really? Mmm-hmm.

Usually people are more subtle about this.
(LAUGHS)

No, not like that.
I’m going to throw myself a surprise birthday party.

You’re throwing yourself a surprise party? Yeah.
Well, I’m surprised. Yeah,

everybody’s gonna get dressed up and decked out.
And you should do the same.

It’s a dress-up party? Absolutely, yeah.
I’m so in. I love getting dressed up.

Sweet.
He’s actually giving her eye contact?

He’s engaged.
Bye. Bye.

That’s a great painting, by the way.
Thank you.

MIKEY: (SIGHS) That’s nice. It was beautiful, man.
That was really nice. That was quite nice.

And I do love her. I do.
I really like her.

I really liked it when she came by without telling anybody.
I really liked it when she kissed you on the cheek.

And I really like that you’re about to lose this bet.
Yep. Jason, do you remember

when we said we’re all gonna stay single?
Yeah, well, it looks like you’re fucked.

I’m not fucked.
You are so fucked!

I’m not fucked. Let’s go out.
(LAUGHING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Hey, Chels! Hey. Sorry, guys.
Can we get tequila shots, please?

Sotheby’s kept me late.
MIKEY: Then they can take care of these drinks.

Oh, they will? Hey.
It’s good to see you. You, too.

DANIEL: I’m still going. JASON: That’s not cool.
All right cheers! Cheers!

Oh, Chels, you’re up.
Get it.
Oh, my God, I love your shoes.
Oh, thank you. That’s so sweet.

That should’ve been me.
This is my friend, Daniel.

Hi.
Hi.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Okay.
Okay. (LAUGHS)

What…
The fuck was that?

Seriously. That was god-awful.
That was horrendous.

I got nothing… I don’t know.
Are you serious right now? You just dropped the ball. Seriously.

You just dropped the ball big time.
I’m having an off night. I don’t know.

JASON: Having an off night?
Even Jordan has off nights.

Whoa!
Very ambitious.

What? What’s wrong?
That teddy bear.

Mr. Wiggles?
Fuck, Mr. Wiggles. Yeah, Mr. Wiggles.

Because, I know,
your ex-boyfriend gave you that teddy bear.
And I said he was a pussy, which he was.

And then you broke up with him.
But I was thinking about you guys together.

And him having sex with you. And then I thought about him naked.
And you know. And all that stuff. Oh, really? Yeah.

And my boner just started to wilt like warm lettuce.
I’m gonna get rid of the teddy bear!

Thank you.
Creeped me out. Yeah.
Um…

Chelsea, I just really want you to know something.
And I wanted to be very clear.

You’re not looking for anything serious right now?
Look, Daniel, this thing doesn’t have to be a thing.
And if you want to go back to being friends,
we can go back to being friends.

I don’t want to go back to anything.
That’s what I was going to tell you.

I really like being here.
That’s what I was going to say.
You working this weekend? Mmm-hmm.
You should come by the hospital.
Again.

Yeah. Again.
You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Yeah, I would.
Come by again and again and again.

DANIEL: Check this one out.
That’s impressive. Very impressive.

STORE OWNER: Something for the two of you?
What’s up, man?

Something for the two of you?
Oh, no, no, no. We’re not gay, man.

And we’re just… We just need a giant strap-on dildo.
Which I know sounds a little gay. But it’s for a costume.

It’s right here. Right in front of you.
Wait.lhave a serious question for you. Yeah.
Think.

If you were gay, would you date me?
Definitely not.

What? What?
I would not date you, Jason.

Why?
Because you’re not my type.

What the fuck does that mean?
Oh, what? Are you offended?

I’m completely offended.
Deal with it.

You’d gay date me. You know you would.
Honestly, if were to have sex with you, Jason,

which apparently you really want,
you would probably be like top three hottest chicks

I’ve ever had sex with.
That’s actually true. Mmm-hmm.

Man, how much are these?
For you? $75.

For me? ‘Cause we’re such good friends?
These are all dishwasher safe.
I don’t think you should go to this party, man.

Dude,I can go to the party. It’s gonna be fun.
$65.

Dude, who the fuck are you negotiating with right now?
$60.
Okay. Look. I’m telling you, man.
This party is a road to a relationship.

And that road is paved with responsibility and lack of selfishness.
And what the fuck am I holding right now? What is this?

I have no idea.
Ah! Clever.
It comes with an extra balloon.
Why would I need an extra balloon?

In case it pops. Why would it pop?
If you try too hard.
What?
(WALKING BACKWARDS PLAYING)
♪ I was tangled in all the wires
♪ Tied down, and I felt the fire
♪ There was nothing for me to do
Sick cock, bro.

Thanks.
What’s up?
♪ It’s flush in the face desire…
Hey. Yeah.
Happy birthday!

Jason? What are you wearing?
Rock out with my cock out.

It’s not my real cock, though.
Clearly.
Yeah.

Uh…
So it’s a different kind of dress-up party?

Yeah.
This is a classic case of miscommunication.

It’s really… It’s just a classic.
Yeah.

Um… Oh.
Um…
These are my parents.
My mom, Jodie, and my dad, Bill.
Holy shit.

This is Jason.
I’m sorry. Hi.
I’m just gonna pretend that this isn’t happening. Hi.

Hello. Hi. I’m Jason.
Hi.

Bill. Jason. Nice to meet you.
Oh, goodness. Oh!

That should not have happened.
That shouldn’t have happened.

Yeah.
It’s a cocktail.
Shouldn’t have said that.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
I’m just gonna go and check the…
You know what? Just excuse me one sec.
♪ I’ve been looking for a new emotion
♪ I’ve been taken with a new emotion a’
Cheers! (ALL CHEERING)

No. I got to hand it to you, man.
I’m impressed by the way you hung in there.

I should have left. I definitely should have left.
I guess I’m a sucker for abuse.

You must be.
You know the hardest part about this costume?

It was seeing this thing next to my actual dick.
(LAUGHS) I can only imagine.

I didn’t know whether to cry or go kill myself.
What are you laughing at, Bill?
L like this guy, Ell.
I like this guy.
Don’t encourage him, Dad.
Don’t encourage him.
So?
So?
What do Jason and Mikey think about this?
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, like, whatever we’re doing.
What have you told them?
I mean, I told them everything.
Yeah. They’re really happy for you.
Sorry. They’re happy for me?
They’re happy for both of us.

They’re just so happy for the two of us.
That’s what they… Yeah, they’re just really happy.
And Jason’s taking it okay?

Yeah. I mean, he was a little angry at first,
but now he’s in the fourth stage of grieving.

Denial?
Masturbation.

You know what’s so cool?
When I’m being really serious and you’re like,

“Hey, I’m Daniel. I’m, like, really funny.”
I don’t sound anything like that.

You sound exactly like that.
“Hey, I’m Daniel.”

You sound like you have peanut butter in your mouth.
No. What do you want me to say?

They think it’s cool that I’m slumming it?
Slumdogging?
No. Honestly, I’m just happy you told them.
I know how you are with girls.
Or at least how you’ve been.
(WON’T YOU COME HOME PLAYING)
You know what?
Your dad…
Awesome.
Well, he likes you, too, even though you had that thing on.
Maybe that’s why he liked me.
You know you don’t have to clear up anything.
You don’t have to help.

No, I want to.
You can’t wake up to this. It’s disgusting.

The apartment or you?
You’ve always hated me.
Just stop talking for one minute.

I know it’s really hard, but you can just try.
You’ve always hated me.

♪ Won’t you come home, I surrender
♪ I miss my sweet bag of bones, drunk and tender
♪ Why don’t you want to stay here suspended
♪ In the dead arms of a year that has ended? a“
I’m gonna take a shower.
Okay- Okay-

Last night was amazing.
And this morning.
(DOOR CLOSING)
ELLIE: Do you think you could grow old in New York?

I’m not gonna get old.
Getting old looks so tiring.

I know. You just, like, wake up in the morning
and have to figure out what to do in between meals.

I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do.
I’m gonna get an old Jaguar XK-E, completely restored.

And then I’m gonna eat a ton of acid.
Like, so much acid that if you went to go see Cirque du Soleil,
you’d think you were in Connecticut.

(LAUGHING)
And then I’m gonna speed up the West Side Highway,
as fast as a car can go, crash through the divider,

and careen off into the Hudson.
In slow-motion, of course.

Of course.
And that would be it.

My death, premeditated.
Okay.
I mean, here’s what’s actually gonna happen.

What?
You’ll be 70 years old.

So you’ll think you’re going 150,
but actually you’re going 25 at best, 15 at worst.

You can’t see, so the acid you think you’re eating
will actually be an errant Lipitor.

You’re going to forget what you were doing in the car in the first place,
bump into the divider, wet yourself, ruin the car,

lose your license, and your dignity in one fell swoop.
And then you’re gonna be ushered off into some rest home,

where you have to wake up in the mornings,
and figure out what the hell to do in between meals.

You know, you don’t have to be right about everything all the time?
DANIEL: How’s Ellie?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

What do you mean?
What do you mean what do I mean?

Nothing. What are you talking about?
(CHUCKLES) What are you talking about? So? What’s up?

Nothing. Where’s Chelsea?
What do you mean?
I mean, where is Chelsea is what I mean.

I gotta talk to you about Chelsea.
ALL: Oh!

What’s going on?
Why are you so happy? Yeah?
I can’t be happy to see my two best friends?

That’s not a happy-to-see-your- two-best-friends face.
No?

What is going on?
You’re girl happy.

Look at me. Did you bone again?
You boned again, didn’t you?

No. What are you… Did you?
No. That’s ridiculous. Can you stop looking at me like that?

You’re a fucking animal! Yes, you did! Did you?
Did you? Hmm?

Who was it? Glasses girl?
Was it?

Glasses girl. Was it?
BOTH: Hey! Oh!

Wow. Mikey.
It’s the beginning of a beautiful roster, buddy.

Yeah, man. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you.
Thank you. I’m also proud of you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Your phone is ringing.
Are you going to answer that? No.
Mmm. You should. It might be a hot

lonely girl looking to talk to me,
but she has your number. (RINGING CONTINUES)

No. It’s Ellie. No, it’s not.
I can read it. It’s right there on the bar.

It says, “Ellie.” See that?
I’ll get it later.
That’s real mature.

Yeah. You should answer it,
because she’s your girlfriend.

It’s… Yeah. My girlfriend.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) MIKEY: Oh, shit. She’s calling again.

Back to back?
Answer that phone! She might need you to pick up diapers!

Or, like, tampons, or something like that.
I’m outwith you guys. I’m not fucking answering it.

Well, I’m gonna answer it. I wish I wasn’t.
Hey, Ellie! What’s up? No, it’s Daniel. It’s Jason’s best man.

He just crossed a line. It’s his best man friend.
Best man? What are you talking about? Uh-huh. Yeah.

All right. Here he is. Here he is.
Hi. Hi.

Hello. All strong arm-y. You wanna strong arm me?
He gets so angry.

Yeah. Hello?
I can hear you.
Ellie?
Oh, my God. What? What’s up?
Her dad just died.

Her dad died.
You have to. It’s not even a question.
You have to show up at that funeral.

If I set foot anywhere near that funeral, then we’re dating.
Then don’t go, dude.

What the fuck are you talking about?
What the fuck are you talking about?

If he doesn’t want to go to the funeral,
why should he go to the funeral?

Are you not a human being? Do you not have a soul?
Technically, she didn’t even invite me.

Technically? She has to invite you to a funeral?
Yeah. What, he’s supposed to show up and say,

“Hey. I’m Jason. I’m actually fucking the dead guy’s daughter”?
What’re you talking about?

If anything, I’m just gonna be a distraction.
It’s like…

It’s better than being an asshole. Okay?
It’s better than being an asshole.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
I know. l wish I could be home, too.
Next year. I promise. But happy Thanksgiving.
I miss you, too.
Tell Dad I say hello.
I love you, too.
Yeah, no. Take your time. Take your time.
I’ll be here. Finishing up. Ah, yeah.

Here. That’s set.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh!
I’m so glad you came.

You look great.
You look great. Nice flowers.

Thank you. They’re not for you. They’re for your grandma.
Grandma. There you go.

I picked them myself on the way over. No big deal.
God. She is so sweet.

I see where you get your looks from.
Shameless of you. Yeah.

What? I’m not trying to have sex with your grandma.
Ew. Gross.

Unless you think she’s into it.
Don’t think she’s… Then maybe I will. Grandma!

Don’t… He may be into it. I’m just kidding.
All right. I’m just saying.

Like, in two generations I could be responsible for making you again.
Okay. It’s called science.

It’s called disgusting.
So are Mikey and Jason coming?
No, I don’t think they’re gonna make it this year.

Oh, babe, I’m so sorry. I know I’m late.
Traffic was awful.

It’s a holiday.
(SIGHS) Hi.

Oh, the turkey looks beautiful!
And you got the red I like.

I made everything just how you like it.
I know you did.

Mmm. This red is so smooth.
I don’t know. It feels a little off balance to me.

Yeah? What do you mean?
I don’t know. Like something doesn’t belong.
Maybe it needs to breathe a little.
It has, like, a chocolate undertone.

Maybe you’re just reacting to that flavor.
Or maybe ’cause you’re still fucking Harold. I can’t tell.
You know his jacket is still in the closet?
It’s a great jacket. Why’s it in the fucking closet?

Can we please just enjoy this?
I’ve been trying to pretend that things haven’t changed.

Things have changed.
Then what are we doing?

What are we doing?
We’re having fun. I don’t know.
“I don’t know”?

That’s it?
“I don’t know”?
We had everything we wanted.
A great apartment. A great job.

You’re making partner in a year. I’m in the ER.
We checked each other’s boxes!

Why didn’t we ever talk about kids?
It’s because neither of us saw that future and you know that’s true.
Maybe I should go.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SIGHS)
I just need to hear you say it.
Just say it.
I don’t love you anymore.
(CHIMES)
So, I said to Paul, after our first lunch downtown,
I thought you two would be perfect for one another.

Mom.
Susan, to be honest, I feel like I’d be perfect with anybody.

You know, for your daughter, it was just right place
at the right time. Aw!

You know, like working at Google.
You’ve got a job at Google?

No. I was just… You know, that’s not…
Possible. Right.

Daddy, Daniel was actually just telling Mom that he was too good for me.
No. Daniel wasn’t. Was that right?
Now there, you’re… Well, you’re taking it out of context, sir.

It’s the other way around. I’m very lucky.
Well, calm down, Daniel. We know you’re not too good for Chelsea.

Paul? Dad?
And well, we are very happy to have you here.

I’ve got 3 grand on the Cowboys. I could use a drinking buddy.
Yeah, I’d love a drink right now.

Let’s get a drink! Okay, great.
You scared them away.
Thanks.
What?
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Oh.
I have wanted to rip your clothes off

ever since you walked into this party.
Oh, my God, Grandma! Your hands smell like stuffing!

Wait, wait. I don’t know. Should we do this right now?
What, you’re gonna say no to sex?

No. I love sex. I love sex with you.
But I’m saying, like, ’cause your family’s out there and stuff.

Oh, yeah. And your dad is kind of…
You know what? Maybe stop being such a pussy.

Okay.
(BOTH MOANING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
(WHISPERING) Did you lock the door?
(WHISPERING) I think so.

You think so or you know so?
You came in after me. You should have locked it.

Shh! Quiet.
(URINATING)
I think it’s your grandma. She’s coming for me.
I knew I shouldn’t have given her those flowers.
She’s coming for me.

Jesus. What the fuck?
Okay. Hey. Oh, my God!

Hey,dude.
What the fuck are you doing in here?

Don’t look at my fucking dick, man!
Oh, my God. You guys are fucking?

It doesn’t mean what you think it means.
CHELSEA: Oh, it doesn’t? lt doesnW?

No. it doesn’t mean that.
Oh, what does our relationship mean to you, Daniel?

Relationship? You guys are in a relationship?
You didn’t tell him?

You told me you told him! You fucking lied to me.
What I should have said in this situation was that I didn’t.

Oh, of course. l didn’t tell him.
Jesus Christ, Daniel.

We’re not dating, okay? If that’s what…
Oh, my God. Fuck you.

What the fuck?
What the fuck? What the fuck?

What the fuck is right! What are you doing here?
Jesus! Does no one in this house lock a door?

Where are you coming from? I was with Vera.
What the fuck? What the fuck?

Your ex-wife?
Why were you with Vera?

‘Cause I was trying to work it out.
But it’s over now.

MIKEY: Oh, my God. Hey, man.
Do not hug me with no pants on. Bring it here.

Do not hug me with no pants on.
You’re right. Respect. Respect.

What were you doing trying to work it out with Vera?
Because that’s what I do, Jason. I try to make things work.

But you wouldn’t know anything about that
’cause you always playing shit safe.

No. Because we had a deal.
We were staying single. CHELSEA: Wait. Single?

It’s a long story. We’ll talk about it later.
I didn’t go to a funeral. You both lied to me

I did that for you. I did that for both of you.
Wait, wait, wait. You didn’t do any of this shit for us.

You do everything for you.
You want us to be just like Jason.

And I can’t think of anything I want more than to be nothing like you.
Your wife fucked some other dude and you’re mad at me.

Whoa, man.
You wanna say that again?

She might still be fucking this dude. Oh!
Stop it. You guys, stop it! Get the fuck out!

Stop. Come on, man.
Your dick is touching me, man! I’m sorry.

You know what? Fuck you guys!
I can go back to my life! My roster, my fun!

All my shit! And do it without you!
Okay? We weren’t getting into relationships! That was the deal!

It really wasn’t about anything other than
having my two best friends and I back together again.

That was it.
Now look at the shit you guys are in!

You’re a sad man.
Yeah. Fuck you, Mikey.
Oh, wow.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Such a special time of year.

(STILL LIFE PLAYING)
♪ Under a sky no one sees
♪ Waiting, watching it happening
♪ Don’t hurry Give it time
♪ Things are the way they have to be
♪ Slow down Give it time
♪ Still life You know I’m listening
♪ The moment that you want is coming if you give it time

♪ When you wake up When you wake up
♪ YOU Will find me
♪ When you wake up When you wake up
♪ YOU Will find me A’
Ellie?
Hey.
Hey.

Hey, look, I’d love to.
Love to what?

Get a coffee. Talk for a few hours.
Get a drink after. Maybe some tequila?

Jason.
What? Is that not what you just said?

I could have sworn I just heard you say that you wanted to…
Jason.

What?
You weren’t there for me.
On a day when I really, really needed you.
And being there for someone when they need you?
That’s all relationships are, Jason.

That’s all they are.
You Okay?
Yeah, I’m fine.
I just can’t…
Can’t stop thinking about what she’s doing.
Like, when I’m not there.
I know what the couch looks like at her place.
I just can’t stop imagining the different
people that are all sitting on it.

A guy.
A different guy.
A new guy-
Just every guy but me.
Sitting on that couch.
Well,
it sounds to me like you just need to get laid.
(BOTH MOANING)
I know this is gonna sound crazy.

Then don’t say it. No.
This is gonna sound even more crazy, given the new information.

Shh. No, listen.
I’m sorry. I can’t do this.
Wow. What?

I’m just still getting over someone.
Come on. You’re gonna go full-girl with it?

I think I made a terrible mistake.
I know I can be selfish, arrogant,
distant and emotionally retarded.

I’m just gonna stop you right there because
whatever it is that you’re doing right now is not what we do.

I just needed somebody to talk to.
Jason?

Don’t you have any friends?
(DOOR CLOSING)
These actually do go together.
Didn’t see that coming.
I’m sorry.
I know.
I just…
I don’t know, to be honest, I’m having

so much fun hanging out, you know,
and chasing girls. And doing the thing and…

“Doing the thing”? Yeah, I miss that.
And I’m not gonna be able to do that if I’m with Chelsea.

You know that.
I know.

Okay.
Go tell her how you feel.
Go make a scene.

Yeah.
Make a public spectacle. Yeah.

Dude. Go big. Do it like the movies.
Like the movies. Yeah.

Like Jerry Maguire. I love that movie.
I love that movie, man! So good.

“You had me at hello.” What?
Don’t ever do that again. Okay? Sorry.

But tell me what you love about her, man!
What do you love about her? I love the way she laughs.

I like the way she fake laughs when she knows that I need it.
Yes.

I love the way we fit together in bed.
Because we’re the same height, our crotches line up perfectly.

That’s really good.
I love that about it!

I mean, what are the chances, right?
I love the way that she looks in the morning.

Like at that exact moment when she wakes up,
and her eyes just open like two little butterflies.

Two little… I love that!
I love that!

Yeah, man. But I wouldn’t go there.
Yeah, I wouldn’t do that. Okay.

So run and tell her that. I’m gonna go.
Don’t go all Notebook with it. But run and tell her that.

I’m doing it. Do it.
I’m doing it. Do it, man.

I’m going. Let’s do it.
I’m gonna do it!

Man, you’re doing it!
(HORN HONKING) Oh, shit!
Oh, my God!

Dude? MAN: Someone call 911!
You took, like, four bags of fluid. You were severely dehydrated.
Oop!

You need to be housebroken. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
I mean, what the hell were you doing?
I was running.

Why?
Because I…

I’m sorry.
I’m really, really sorry. I was running to tell you that I’m sorry.

And I should have told these guys that we were dating.
From the beginning, I told him that.
We tried to convince him the whole time.

I want to date you, Chels.
Like… Like, really date you.
I want that, too.
Oh!
You’re such an idiot.
I’m out.
GLASSES GIRL: I was wondering if you’d call.
So?

I’d love to see you.
No, seriously, that took forever.

(LAUGHS)
I’d love to see you again.
Ah! That’s what I’m talking about.
Honestly? Who waits that long?

Yeah, that was my fault.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(SIGHS)
Ooh, fucking guy in the red hat.
Who the fuck are you?

Let’s find more pictures of you.
Bingo.
Let’s fucking look you up.
Bill.
What? William Matherson, restaurateur.
What a piece of shit this guy is.

Oh, my God. Dude.
I mean, honestly, I just find it disgusting.
The way that you guys embrace the single life.

The women? The carousing?
Carousing? Who are you? Cary Grant?

You’ve been in a relationship all of two minutes.
And he is already a righteous asshole.

Guys, look, I’m just in love and shit.
And I’ve had a lot of time to sit and realize

how disgusting both of you are.
Mostly you, Jason. MIKEY: What about me?

You’re the worst. You’re pretty disgusting, too.
You’re gross. I’m a killer.

What the… Did you…
Did you post a funny video on Ellie’s wall?
No.

Yes, you did, because I’m looking at it right now, Jason!
What is it, funny cute? Or is it just funny?

It is funny cute! Jason, you pussy!
You funny cute videoed her?

I… Yes. I guess. I don’t freaking know…
I don’t know what I’m doing, man.

Hey, man. I think he loves her.
I think that’s love!

It sounds like love to me.
I don’t know, man. I don’t know. Maybe I do.

MIKEY: What do you mean, you don’t know?
Well, then you have to tell her. DANIEL: You have to.
It’ll be funny cute. Maybe I should tell her.

Which is right up your alley. You love that shit.
Ha,ha,ha. Asshole.

I don’t even know where to…
What’s she doing? Let’s stop by her place. Where’s she at right now?

Third Tuesday of the month. She’s at one of her readings.
Whoa. That… That was some stalker shit.
That’s creepy.

It’s creepy that you know that.
MIKEY: I mean, does anybody go?

No! Nobody ever goes.
DANIEL: Nobody ever shows up? Nobody.

Well, then, you are going to be the guy
who shows up.
AUTHOR: “We pounded along, my father’s hand on top of the wheel.”
Nobody ever shows up.
Yeah.

“I watched the bats crackle and plunge against the sky.
“They never knew here.

“They only knew the echo of there.”
Thank you.
Thank you, Ray Floreson.
I have to do something.

ELLIE: Does anybody have any questions?
What should I do? Something.
Yeah. I have something that I would like to read.
From my novel.
It’s not really the kind of place

where you can share from your own work.
Thank you very much. Honor to be here.

This is good. Um…
Tough act to follow.
Then don’t.
I’m a big fan of your work.
I’m so sorry. I…

No. Please.
(SIGHS)
And then the other guy asked to buy her a drink,
right as Jason walked up.

And so she asked that guy,
“What happens if I enjoy the drink?
“What happens then?”
And he pretended not to know the answer. So she told him.
She asked if they would play beer pong
in that shitty bar with his friends

until they headed back to his place in Murray Hill.
She asked if they’d have to listen to his roommate
fuck Hilary or Emily, or whatever her name was

till they fell asleep.
And she asked him if a year later,
they’d still be there in that bar.

The only difference being that now he feels pressure to get married
and have kids, because he thinks that that’s what she wants.
And then in the summers,
they would drive up to the shitty Hamptons.
To meet his shitty parents.
Wondering the entire ride if they’d think that she was pretty enough.

Smart.
Wondering the entire ride if they think she’s smart enough.

Because no one was.
And no one ever will be.

And Jason knew that now.
And he would give anything to go back to that moment.
The moment where they first met. Before anything went wrong.
Before he didn’t show up for her when she needed him most.
Before he understood that being there for somebody
when it’s most difficult is really all that relationships are.

Jason knew that now.
And he was so sorry for what he had done.
But Jason also realized that in that moment,
he wasn’t afraid, because he
thought she wasn’t the one.
He was absolutely terrified, because he knew she was.
And if she could give him just one more chance,
just one more chance,
she knew where to find him.
JASON: It’s 2:18 in the morning in the middle of February.
I’ve been sitting on a park bench for almost four hours.
I’m fucking freezing.
Why am I sitting here?
Why am I still sitting on this bench?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
So?
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(MEN LAUGHING)
I didn’t know you could change colors!
Just stop. (COUGHS)

Your dick looks like a sad giraffe.
Your dick looks like a shaved hamster. Stop.

Can you guys STOP?
Your dick looks like my dick

if it were bigger and blacker.
(ALL LAUGHING)
DIRECTOR: Cut!
Did you friend that girl yet, Mikey?
(PLATE SHATTERING)
(DANIEL SINGING HAVA NAG/LA)
Yeah. I told that assistant at Vogue

I couldn’t hang out with her ’cause I was taking a shit.
Whoa. Look at that fucking crazy bruise on my arm.
You see that bruise?

It’s from fucking acting, bro.
Yeah.

Fuck you up.
Wait, I’m fucking this up. Can we just do this one more time?

DIRECTOR: Let it go.
DANIEL: It’s ’cause you’re holding your imaginary dick the whole time.

That might be it. Can I just whip it out?
Mike, we all know you’re a two-hander. So just, you know…

Oh, shit. He knows me.
That’s not a nipple. That’s not my… That’s a fake.
That’s a sticker. I don’t have nipples like that.

So maybe I’m the best ever receiving blowjob… Ever.
At receiving. Fucking mother sucker.

So maybe I’m the best ever at receiving blow…
DIRECTOR: There are no “evers” in the whole thing.

What?
Can we just write it on her fucking head?

Maybe I’m the best ever.
No. No “ever.”

Probably gave me the best blowjob ever,
in the recorded history of blowjobs.

(LAUGHING)
DIRECTOR: “And she gave me perhaps the best blowjob in recorded history.”
There’s no “ever.”

(CREW LAUGHING)
What are you doing?
I ain’t doing nothing.

Yes, you are.
I promise. I’m acting satisfied. Okay? Jeez.

Oh, God.
“Doing the thing”?
Yeah, I miss that. And I’m not gonna

be able to do that if I’m with Chelsea.
I’m gonna miss, like, sharing a mouth with you.

I miss that so much, man.
Oh, there’s the paparazzi!
No way!

Oh, my God! They’re not even pointed at Miles!
Asshole!

Nobody cares about me, bro!
Aw!

I might be really fucked up.
But I think Omar from The Wire is sitting on our couch.
DIRECTOR: It’s him! It’s him! (ELLIE SCREAMS)
(ALL CHEERING)

Yes!

















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